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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Lamar Odom Representative Denies Basketball Player Missing

‘He’s In A Crack House,’ Agent Assures Media

LOS ANGELES—Following numerous unofficial reports that former Los Angeles Lakers forward and current free agent Lamar Odom has gone missing, a representative for the basketball player sought to quash the speculation surrounding his client and his whereabouts Tuesday, assuring reporters that Odom is safe and sound in a local crack house. “There have been a lot of rumors flying around about Lamar lately, so I just want to make it perfectly clear that he hasn’t gone missing; he just hasn’t been seen recently because he’s smoking crack in a crack house,” said Odom’s agent Jeff Schwartz, clarifying that the two-time NBA champion has, since his supposed disappearance, been spending time in a burned-out apartment building in Los Angeles’ Inglewood neighborhood, which Schwartz described as “Lamar’s favorite crack house.” “While I know a lot of people have expressed concern that Lamar hasn’t been heard from in a few days, I want to emphasize that there’s absolutely no cause for alarm here. Like I said, he’s just in a crack house, smoking crack with a bunch of other people who are also smoking crack. He does this all the time.” Schwartz added that the reason his client is smoking crack is because he’s addicted to crack.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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