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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Lamar Odom Representative Denies Basketball Player Missing

‘He’s In A Crack House,’ Agent Assures Media

LOS ANGELES—Following numerous unofficial reports that former Los Angeles Lakers forward and current free agent Lamar Odom has gone missing, a representative for the basketball player sought to quash the speculation surrounding his client and his whereabouts Tuesday, assuring reporters that Odom is safe and sound in a local crack house. “There have been a lot of rumors flying around about Lamar lately, so I just want to make it perfectly clear that he hasn’t gone missing; he just hasn’t been seen recently because he’s smoking crack in a crack house,” said Odom’s agent Jeff Schwartz, clarifying that the two-time NBA champion has, since his supposed disappearance, been spending time in a burned-out apartment building in Los Angeles’ Inglewood neighborhood, which Schwartz described as “Lamar’s favorite crack house.” “While I know a lot of people have expressed concern that Lamar hasn’t been heard from in a few days, I want to emphasize that there’s absolutely no cause for alarm here. Like I said, he’s just in a crack house, smoking crack with a bunch of other people who are also smoking crack. He does this all the time.” Schwartz added that the reason his client is smoking crack is because he’s addicted to crack.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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