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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Lance Armstrong: I Never Failed One Of Those Shitty, Easy-To-Fool Doping Tests

AUSTIN, TX—Embattled seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong held a press conference this morning to sternly reiterate that during his career he passed every easy-to-mask, ineffective doping test he was ever given. “Let me be entirely clear about this: I, like the hundreds of obviously juiced cyclists who also passed them, never failed one of those shitty tests that you can basically learn how to beat by reading Internet message boards,” Armstrong said. “I repeat: Those tests—which were easily defeated by such simple means as, say, injecting a chemical masking agent, re-transfusing blood, or creating a urine sample out of toilet water and a drop of yellow food coloring—always said I was clean. And anyone who says otherwise is a slanderer.” Armstrong concluded the press conference by challenging his accusers, saying he would retake any of his previously defeated doping tests “anytime, anywhere.”

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