adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
End Of Section
  • More News

Lance Armstrong Just Glad International Cycling Union Doesn't Test For Heroin

AUSTIN, TX—Seven-time Tour De France winner Lance Armstrong, who was yet again cleared of doping charges last week by the International Cycling Union (UCI), said Monday he was just glad that his former sport's governing body does not currently test for the use of heroin. "I'm not saying I was a regular user, but let's put it this way: Without smack, there's no way anyone could finish the Tour De France, let alone win it," Armstrong told the audience at a cancer-awareness banquet. "Trust me, the human body can't put up with that kind of punishment day in and day out over an entire month of hundred-plus-mile days without something a little stronger than bananas and massages." The UCI would not respond to Armstrong's comments, saying only that under current policies, any cyclist caught in possession of heroin within three days will have the drug confiscated by race officials.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close