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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Lance Armstrong Just Glad International Cycling Union Doesn't Test For Heroin

AUSTIN, TX—Seven-time Tour De France winner Lance Armstrong, who was yet again cleared of doping charges last week by the International Cycling Union (UCI), said Monday he was just glad that his former sport's governing body does not currently test for the use of heroin. "I'm not saying I was a regular user, but let's put it this way: Without smack, there's no way anyone could finish the Tour De France, let alone win it," Armstrong told the audience at a cancer-awareness banquet. "Trust me, the human body can't put up with that kind of punishment day in and day out over an entire month of hundred-plus-mile days without something a little stronger than bananas and massages." The UCI would not respond to Armstrong's comments, saying only that under current policies, any cyclist caught in possession of heroin within three days will have the drug confiscated by race officials.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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