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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
End Of Section
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Lance Armstrong Lets Down Single Person Who Still Believed Him

Year In Review

AUSTIN, TX—Following cyclist Lance Armstrong’s announcement last night that he was dropping his opposition to charges that he used performance-enhancing drugs, a sense of profound disappointment reportedly settled over the single individual left on Earth who still believed he was innocent.

Gary Osgood, a 32-year-old sales account executive, and the only person in the world who did not react to the news that Armstrong would be stripped of his seven Tour de France titles with a shrug of his shoulders and a knowing nod, told reporters he was devastated by the story.

Saying he felt “truly let down” by Armstrong, Osgood expressed a sense of anger and frustration that more than 300 million U.S. residents had already experienced and come to terms with at least three years ago.

“I still can’t believe it,” said Osgood, displaying a profound bewilderment and shock that was felt by no one else in the world. “You really stand behind an athlete and then something like this happens. Honestly, I don’t even know what to say.”

“How could he disappoint us like this?” added a visibly stunned Osgood, the only human being in existence who was not completely expecting this exact news item to come out at some point.

Osgood—the lone individual who didn’t lose faith in the cyclist after numerous questionable blood tests and multiple claims by fellow cyclists that Armstrong was doping—reportedly experienced actual distress upon hearing the news, as well as a feeling of “sharp sadness” that was shared by an estimated 0 percent of his fellow Americans.

Though reports indicate the rest of humanity has gone about its day as if nothing shocking or surprising had happened, Osgood said he remained motionless on his couch for nearly 20 minutes this morning as he processed the news. In addition, unlike everyone else who is even vaguely aware of Lance Armstrong, at no point did he sarcastically say to a coworker or friend, “Didn’t see that one coming.”

“I know as well as anyone else that some athletes do steroids, but Lance?” said Osgood, his naïevté reported to be somewhat endearing but ultimately pathetic. “Why would he do something like this? Why would he lie?”

Osgood went on to call Armstrong a “fallen hero,” a label that anyone who has followed Lance Armstrong in the past five years had attached to the cyclist well before a single accomplishment had been officially stricken from the record books.

Sources later confirmed that Osgood was the only person left in the world who wears a Livestrong bracelet without looking at it and feeling somewhat disingenuous.

“If we can’t believe in Lance Armstrong, who can we believe in?” said Osgood, almost as if this news had come out in 2001, prior to everyone pretty much accepting the fact that Armstrong was a hypercompetitive asshole who would do anything to gain an advantage. “This is a sad day for America.”

At press time, Osgood admitted that if he was being honest with himself, he did have a very slight suspicion that Armstrong might have been doping.

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