AUSTIN, TX—Following cyclist Lance Armstrong’s announcement last night that he was dropping his opposition to charges that he used performance-enhancing drugs, a sense of profound disappointment reportedly settled over the single individual left on Earth who still believed he was innocent.
Gary Osgood, a 32-year-old sales account executive, and the only person in the world who did not react to the news that Armstrong would be stripped of his seven Tour de France titles with a shrug of his shoulders and a knowing nod, told reporters he was devastated by the story.
Saying he felt “truly let down” by Armstrong, Osgood expressed a sense of anger and frustration that more than 300 million U.S. residents had already experienced and come to terms with at least three years ago.
“I still can’t believe it,” said Osgood, displaying a profound bewilderment and shock that was felt by no one else in the world. “You really stand behind an athlete and then something like this happens. Honestly, I don’t even know what to say.”
“How could he disappoint us like this?” added a visibly stunned Osgood, the only human being in existence who was not completely expecting this exact news item to come out at some point.
Osgood—the lone individual who didn’t lose faith in the cyclist after numerous questionable blood tests and multiple claims by fellow cyclists that Armstrong was doping—reportedly experienced actual distress upon hearing the news, as well as a feeling of “sharp sadness” that was shared by an estimated 0 percent of his fellow Americans.
Though reports indicate the rest of humanity has gone about its day as if nothing shocking or surprising had happened, Osgood said he remained motionless on his couch for nearly 20 minutes this morning as he processed the news. In addition, unlike everyone else who is even vaguely aware of Lance Armstrong, at no point did he sarcastically say to a coworker or friend, “Didn’t see that one coming.”
“I know as well as anyone else that some athletes do steroids, but Lance?” said Osgood, his naïevté reported to be somewhat endearing but ultimately pathetic. “Why would he do something like this? Why would he lie?”
Osgood went on to call Armstrong a “fallen hero,” a label that anyone who has followed Lance Armstrong in the past five years had attached to the cyclist well before a single accomplishment had been officially stricken from the record books.
Sources later confirmed that Osgood was the only person left in the world who wears a Livestrong bracelet without looking at it and feeling somewhat disingenuous.
“If we can’t believe in Lance Armstrong, who can we believe in?” said Osgood, almost as if this news had come out in 2001, prior to everyone pretty much accepting the fact that Armstrong was a hypercompetitive asshole who would do anything to gain an advantage. “This is a sad day for America.”
At press time, Osgood admitted that if he was being honest with himself, he did have a very slight suspicion that Armstrong might have been doping.