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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Lance Armstrong's Bike: 'It Was Me'

AUSTIN, TX—Following formal charges of performance-enhancing drug use brought by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency against Lance Armstrong on Wednesday, Armstrong's longtime bicycle has stepped forward to take full responsibility. "I can no longer keep silent—it was me all along," said the bicycle, admitting it had engaged in a full regimen of transfusions, EPO use, and other forms of blood manipulation throughout Armstrong's entire career. "I was doping for every one of Lance's and my Tours de France, and now it's time for me to face the consequences. I apologize for what this has done to my family, to my friends, and to Lance, my longtime partner." Armstrong refused comment on the issue, saying only that he maintained his own innocence and hoped his bicycle would get the help it obviously needed.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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