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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Land Before Time VI Released Straight To Landfill

HOLLYWOOD, CA–In a gala Hollywood burial, The Land Before Time VI: The Secret Of Saurus Rock, the latest installment in Universal Pictures' and Amblin Entertainment's long-running animated series, was released straight to landfill Tuesday. "For the first time ever, we're bypassing video stores and taking this beloved Don Bluth family adventure series directly to its biggest market," Universal Pictures spokesperson Marianne Fordson said. More than 250,000 copies of The Land Before Time VI were released from a dumptruck and buried under 950 tons of dirt and refuse in the L.A. Department of Sanitation's dump site in Hollywood. "Join us in welcoming this funny, heartwarming dino-tale to the bottom of an enormous mound of trash," read a press release for the film.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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