adBlockCheck

International

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.
End Of Section
  • More News

Land Mine Seizes Power In Angola

LUANDA, ANGOLA—The war-torn West African nation of Angola, for decades wracked by violent power struggles among rival factions, was cast into further political turmoil Monday when a 40-pound anti-personnel land mine seized power and declared itself president for life.

"Today represents the dawn of a glorious new era for our nation," said the landmine, which rose to power with the backing of Angola's estimated 40 million subterranean explosive devices. "For too many years, we have been ignored by Angola's leaders, denied representation despite the fact that we outnumber the humans by a margin of four to one."

The new leader punctuated its remarks with periodic detonations, which blew off the legs of numerous nearby orphans.

Though many Angolans are skeptical about having a non-sentient, man-made object designed to maim people as their leader, support for the mine appears to be growing.

"Killing and maiming thousands of innocent people has always been a crucial part of being president of Angola," said Xassengue villager Biaro Opala, one of the nation's 3,000,000+ amputees. "Who is better qualified for this task than a land mine?"

"This land mine will do at least as good a job governing Angola as our previous leaders," triple-amputee Kwala N'ele said. "It will also blow people's limbs and genitals off."

According to political observers, the land mine's ascent to power will likely pave the way for future non-human leaders in Angola.

"This land mine will open doors for other large but politically underrepresented African-Angolan groups, such as rocket-propelled grenade launchers and AK-47 assault rifles," Yale University African Studies professor Ralph Langwell said.

Langwell praised the land mine as a canny leader that may at last bring unity to a shattered nation.

"Waiting until now to seize power was a shrewd move on the part of this mine," Langwell said. "Using all of the innate skills typically possessed by land mines, it was smart enough to lay low for years, waiting until the Angolan political climate was just as volatile as the mine itself, and then—bang!—take everyone by surprise."

"The timing is right for a land-mine presidency," he added. "This is a leader people will think twice before walking all over."

More from this section

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close