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Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.
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Land Mine Seizes Power In Angola

LUANDA, ANGOLA—The war-torn West African nation of Angola, for decades wracked by violent power struggles among rival factions, was cast into further political turmoil Monday when a 40-pound anti-personnel land mine seized power and declared itself president for life.

"Today represents the dawn of a glorious new era for our nation," said the landmine, which rose to power with the backing of Angola's estimated 40 million subterranean explosive devices. "For too many years, we have been ignored by Angola's leaders, denied representation despite the fact that we outnumber the humans by a margin of four to one."

The new leader punctuated its remarks with periodic detonations, which blew off the legs of numerous nearby orphans.

Though many Angolans are skeptical about having a non-sentient, man-made object designed to maim people as their leader, support for the mine appears to be growing.

"Killing and maiming thousands of innocent people has always been a crucial part of being president of Angola," said Xassengue villager Biaro Opala, one of the nation's 3,000,000+ amputees. "Who is better qualified for this task than a land mine?"

"This land mine will do at least as good a job governing Angola as our previous leaders," triple-amputee Kwala N'ele said. "It will also blow people's limbs and genitals off."

According to political observers, the land mine's ascent to power will likely pave the way for future non-human leaders in Angola.

"This land mine will open doors for other large but politically underrepresented African-Angolan groups, such as rocket-propelled grenade launchers and AK-47 assault rifles," Yale University African Studies professor Ralph Langwell said.

Langwell praised the land mine as a canny leader that may at last bring unity to a shattered nation.

"Waiting until now to seize power was a shrewd move on the part of this mine," Langwell said. "Using all of the innate skills typically possessed by land mines, it was smart enough to lay low for years, waiting until the Angolan political climate was just as volatile as the mine itself, and then—bang!—take everyone by surprise."

"The timing is right for a land-mine presidency," he added. "This is a leader people will think twice before walking all over."

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