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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Landlord Not Convinced Heat Isn't Working

QUEENS, NY—Despite urgent pleas to the contrary, landlord Arnold Ngyuen remained unconvinced that the heat in Ted Myer's apartment is not on, the 57-year-old building owner said in a telephone conversation with the tenant Monday. "No, it's on, all right," said Ngyuen, audibly displaying his disbelief in 26-year-old Myers' repeated assertions that he was "freezing." Ngyuen bolstered his claim by explaining that the thermostat was replaced just two years ago, that the upstairs neighbors haven't said anything, and the fact that you shouldn't pump too much heat in there anyway because its just going to dry you out. "You didn't mess with the valve, did you? Because you're not supposed to mess with the valve." Ngyuen then put Myers on hold in order to go check with maintenance guy Carlos, who immediately confirmed that Myers' heat was definitely on.

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