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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Landlord Not Convinced Heat Isn't Working

QUEENS, NY—Despite urgent pleas to the contrary, landlord Arnold Ngyuen remained unconvinced that the heat in Ted Myer's apartment is not on, the 57-year-old building owner said in a telephone conversation with the tenant Monday. "No, it's on, all right," said Ngyuen, audibly displaying his disbelief in 26-year-old Myers' repeated assertions that he was "freezing." Ngyuen bolstered his claim by explaining that the thermostat was replaced just two years ago, that the upstairs neighbors haven't said anything, and the fact that you shouldn't pump too much heat in there anyway because its just going to dry you out. "You didn't mess with the valve, did you? Because you're not supposed to mess with the valve." Ngyuen then put Myers on hold in order to go check with maintenance guy Carlos, who immediately confirmed that Myers' heat was definitely on.

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