Landscaper Waiting For Career-Defining Lawn

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Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
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Landscaper Waiting For Career-Defining Lawn

COLUMBIA, MO—Landscaper Kevin Larson announced Monday that, while he has enjoyed working as part of ensemble crews on smaller, low-budget projects, he is looking for a breakout lawn that will place him in the top tier of Columbia's lawn-care industry.

While he says there are "no small jobs," Larson is ready for his breakout lawn.

Larson broke into the business six years ago with a job as a lawn mower at a small company called Brickman Landscaping, where he worked alongside such landscaping legends as Ramon and Charlie on the neighborhood-acclaimed Holden estate. Since then, he has started his own business, KM Larson Greenery, hoping to attract the client who will let him experiment with his craft.

"I feel that six years of mowing lawns and laying mulch have prepared me for something bigger," Larson said. "When people drive by one of my lawns, I want it to make them think. I want to redefine what a lawn can mean to people."

According to Larson, the perfect lawn is one that has "a lot to work with" and "tons of exposure—ideally at the corner of a busy intersection, where drivers will have the time to stop and really appreciate the work and vision that went into the lawn." Larson added that the client has to be willing to trust the landscaper, and "really let him test the limits of the profession."

"Just once, I would like to have a client who isn't afraid to push the boundaries," Larson said. "But it's always the same: drop in some fertilizer spikes, trim the shrubs, change the seasonal bulbs, and we're done. I have so much more to offer. I have big plans—and the cedar chips to match."

Larson said success stories in the landscaping industry are not without precedent.

"Look at Bob from Bob's Landscaping," Larson said. "He was trimming hedges before the Whitman family noticed him and gave him his big break—the contract for their two-acre yard on Pine Oaks Lane. Now he gets to work on any lawn he wants, and he can get away with doing just one really big one a year."

"I need my own 2338 Pine Oaks Lane," Larson added.

Although many landscapers "sacrifice their artistic integrity for material gain," Larson said he is not interested in becoming a fixture on the covers of magazines like House & Garden, but rather "working on a lawn [he] believes in."

"I've turned down plenty of big-budget offers—like the Lakeside Mall job—because the project was being limited by people at the top who have a very narrow idea of what a landscaper can really do," Larson said. "All I want is to get my breakthrough lawn, a lawn I can put my own personality into and really make my own, maybe by—and this is just one idea—putting little white rocks around the trees."

Larson, who has received callbacks from many of his clients asking him to return for similar projects, said he is not interested in being pigeonholed into one specific type of lawn.

"I don't want to become known as the guy who only does octagonal-brick garden paths," Larson said. "I want to try different things—granite slabs, petunia arrangements, shrubs... I just need to find that one lawn that lets me be me."

He added: "I want people to start looking at different lawns in the neighborhood and saying, 'You know, this lawn would be perfect for Kevin Larson.'"