Landscaper Waiting For Career-Defining Lawn

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Landscaper Waiting For Career-Defining Lawn

COLUMBIA, MO—Landscaper Kevin Larson announced Monday that, while he has enjoyed working as part of ensemble crews on smaller, low-budget projects, he is looking for a breakout lawn that will place him in the top tier of Columbia's lawn-care industry.

While he says there are "no small jobs," Larson is ready for his breakout lawn.

Larson broke into the business six years ago with a job as a lawn mower at a small company called Brickman Landscaping, where he worked alongside such landscaping legends as Ramon and Charlie on the neighborhood-acclaimed Holden estate. Since then, he has started his own business, KM Larson Greenery, hoping to attract the client who will let him experiment with his craft.

"I feel that six years of mowing lawns and laying mulch have prepared me for something bigger," Larson said. "When people drive by one of my lawns, I want it to make them think. I want to redefine what a lawn can mean to people."

According to Larson, the perfect lawn is one that has "a lot to work with" and "tons of exposure—ideally at the corner of a busy intersection, where drivers will have the time to stop and really appreciate the work and vision that went into the lawn." Larson added that the client has to be willing to trust the landscaper, and "really let him test the limits of the profession."

"Just once, I would like to have a client who isn't afraid to push the boundaries," Larson said. "But it's always the same: drop in some fertilizer spikes, trim the shrubs, change the seasonal bulbs, and we're done. I have so much more to offer. I have big plans—and the cedar chips to match."

Larson said success stories in the landscaping industry are not without precedent.

"Look at Bob from Bob's Landscaping," Larson said. "He was trimming hedges before the Whitman family noticed him and gave him his big break—the contract for their two-acre yard on Pine Oaks Lane. Now he gets to work on any lawn he wants, and he can get away with doing just one really big one a year."

"I need my own 2338 Pine Oaks Lane," Larson added.

Although many landscapers "sacrifice their artistic integrity for material gain," Larson said he is not interested in becoming a fixture on the covers of magazines like House & Garden, but rather "working on a lawn [he] believes in."

"I've turned down plenty of big-budget offers—like the Lakeside Mall job—because the project was being limited by people at the top who have a very narrow idea of what a landscaper can really do," Larson said. "All I want is to get my breakthrough lawn, a lawn I can put my own personality into and really make my own, maybe by—and this is just one idea—putting little white rocks around the trees."

Larson, who has received callbacks from many of his clients asking him to return for similar projects, said he is not interested in being pigeonholed into one specific type of lawn.

"I don't want to become known as the guy who only does octagonal-brick garden paths," Larson said. "I want to try different things—granite slabs, petunia arrangements, shrubs... I just need to find that one lawn that lets me be me."

He added: "I want people to start looking at different lawns in the neighborhood and saying, 'You know, this lawn would be perfect for Kevin Larson.'"

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