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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Landscaper Waiting For Career-Defining Lawn

COLUMBIA, MO—Landscaper Kevin Larson announced Monday that, while he has enjoyed working as part of ensemble crews on smaller, low-budget projects, he is looking for a breakout lawn that will place him in the top tier of Columbia's lawn-care industry.

While he says there are "no small jobs," Larson is ready for his breakout lawn.

Larson broke into the business six years ago with a job as a lawn mower at a small company called Brickman Landscaping, where he worked alongside such landscaping legends as Ramon and Charlie on the neighborhood-acclaimed Holden estate. Since then, he has started his own business, KM Larson Greenery, hoping to attract the client who will let him experiment with his craft.

"I feel that six years of mowing lawns and laying mulch have prepared me for something bigger," Larson said. "When people drive by one of my lawns, I want it to make them think. I want to redefine what a lawn can mean to people."

According to Larson, the perfect lawn is one that has "a lot to work with" and "tons of exposure—ideally at the corner of a busy intersection, where drivers will have the time to stop and really appreciate the work and vision that went into the lawn." Larson added that the client has to be willing to trust the landscaper, and "really let him test the limits of the profession."

"Just once, I would like to have a client who isn't afraid to push the boundaries," Larson said. "But it's always the same: drop in some fertilizer spikes, trim the shrubs, change the seasonal bulbs, and we're done. I have so much more to offer. I have big plans—and the cedar chips to match."

Larson said success stories in the landscaping industry are not without precedent.

"Look at Bob from Bob's Landscaping," Larson said. "He was trimming hedges before the Whitman family noticed him and gave him his big break—the contract for their two-acre yard on Pine Oaks Lane. Now he gets to work on any lawn he wants, and he can get away with doing just one really big one a year."

"I need my own 2338 Pine Oaks Lane," Larson added.

Although many landscapers "sacrifice their artistic integrity for material gain," Larson said he is not interested in becoming a fixture on the covers of magazines like House & Garden, but rather "working on a lawn [he] believes in."

"I've turned down plenty of big-budget offers—like the Lakeside Mall job—because the project was being limited by people at the top who have a very narrow idea of what a landscaper can really do," Larson said. "All I want is to get my breakthrough lawn, a lawn I can put my own personality into and really make my own, maybe by—and this is just one idea—putting little white rocks around the trees."

Larson, who has received callbacks from many of his clients asking him to return for similar projects, said he is not interested in being pigeonholed into one specific type of lawn.

"I don't want to become known as the guy who only does octagonal-brick garden paths," Larson said. "I want to try different things—granite slabs, petunia arrangements, shrubs... I just need to find that one lawn that lets me be me."

He added: "I want people to start looking at different lawns in the neighborhood and saying, 'You know, this lawn would be perfect for Kevin Larson.'"

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

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