LAPD Discovers Hidden Deformed Olsen Triplet

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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

How U.S. Schools Can Improve Math Education

With U.S. students regularly placing behind 20 to 25 other nations in mathematics test scores, many education experts are wondering what the sources of the problem are and how we can take steps to fix them. Here’s a look at how American schools can improve their math curricula and help struggling students:

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School

‘We Don’t Want To Uproot Them Just For Our Jobs,’ Say Parents

WASHINGTON—Saying it wouldn’t be fair to disrupt their lives after seven years in the same school district, Barack and Michelle Obama this week announced their plans to stay in the White House until their daughters graduate high school.

How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Single, Unemployed Mother Leeching Off Government

WASHINGTON—Taking advantage of the system and giving nothing back in return, local unemployed, single mother Mei Xiang reportedly gave birth to two more children out of wedlock this week and continued to pathetically leech off the government.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

How New Parents Can Stay Healthy

Having a baby changes everything, and the resulting lack of sleep and general stress can contribute to a decline in overall wellness. Here are some ways new parents can prevent bad habits and maintain good health

Single Woman With 3 Young Children Unaware She Subject Of 984 Judgments Today

LINCOLN, NE—Oblivious to the thoughts and looks directed toward her as she shopped for groceries, stopped by the post office, and ran several other errands with her three young children, single mother Karen Nichols, 29, was reportedly completely unaware that she was the focus of 984 separate judgments by strangers this afternoon.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’

OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.
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LAPD Discovers Hidden Deformed Olsen Triplet

LOS ANGELES—A ragged and misshapen girl officials are calling a "third Olsen twin" was rescued from the basement of the residence of teen superstars Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen Tuesday, Los Angeles police said.

Ethel, the previously unknown Olsen.

"The girl has been positively identified as a sister of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, born on the same day in June 1986," said LAPD Capt. Ellen Yanez, relating information provided in a confession by parents David and Janette Olsen, now divorced. "The monstrously contorted child was discovered living in conditions that could charitably be described as squalid."

Currently in custody at LAPD headquarters, the twisted, hunched, foul-smelling figure of Ethel Olsen, 17, is drawing both pity and horror from investigators.

"With hair covering over 60 percent of her diminutive body, teeth protruding through her bottom lip, and her only useful limb a prehensile claw, Ethel would make a poor slumber-party companion," Yanez said. "The Olsen family's actions are understandable, if ultimately unconscionable."

According to Yanez, the Olsen family was able to conceal Ethel's birth from public record because the triplets were born during a camping trip in an isolated area of the Sierra Nevada mountains.

"Ethel was reportedly the last to be delivered, and the family recoiled in horror to see such a deformed and unsightly creature emerge from a womb that had housed her two cherubic sisters," Yanez said. "A reluctant sense of duty toward the infant forced her parents to bring her home, but pity soon turned to revulsion, and after a ghastly and traumatic attempt at nursing, the wretch was relegated to the cellar, where she was locked in a cage and fed through a garden hose."

The Olsens' plans to anonymously abandon Ethel at a convent were thwarted in 1987, when Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, barely 1 year old, found fame sharing the role of Michelle Tanner on the ABC sitcom Full House.

"The parents didn't want to risk any chance of negative publicity," said Lieut. Ron Mudd, one of the detectives who questioned the Olsens. "Someone at an orphanage might have spotted the dim similarities the hideous mutant bore to her apple-cheeked siblings, who only grew in popularity as the years went by."

A scene from Ethel's first film project, currently in production.

Continued Mudd: "It appears that Ethel was continuously kept on the cusp of survival, the family's tenuous belief in the sanctity of life the only thing that kept her fed and sheltered. That she received no love is evident. To be fair, it is hard to love someone whose hairless body parts are covered with scales, half-inch thick toenails, and a harelip that extends past her brow."

Although an investigation is still underway, some details of Ethel's 17 tortured years have been made public. According to the police report, Ethel's cellar dwelling had no heat or ventilation, and only a single grimy, barred basement window provided light. There was no plumbing, so Ethel was forced to scuttle into a corner and defecate in a drain.

When found, the girl was clad in mismatched, threadbare castoffs from Mary-Kate and Ashley's Wal-Mart clothing line. She slept on a heavily tarnished serving tray believed to have been taken from a craft-services table on the set of the 2001 straight-to-video release Holiday In The Sun. Police say she subsisted on rainwater, half-eaten bagels salvaged from talk-show green rooms, and any small rodents she was able to catch; she saved their bones in a corner, along with a pile of coughed-up pellets. The girl owned no toys other than a headless Mattel Ashley doll, onto which she had stuck hanks of her own body hair.

Investigators say that Ethel communicates in guttural grunts and wheezes, as well as the occasional piercing howl. She is fond of rocking on her haunches and humming the same tune fragment, which is believed to be an extremely off-key version of the song "I Am The Cute One," recorded by the Olsen Twins in 1992.

"Perhaps she heard the song emanating from upstairs and it made an impression in her twisted, imbecilic psyche," Mudd said. "The irony is annihilating."

Police rescued Ethel after receiving a tip from an aromatherapist employed by the Olsens. The woman alerted authorities that she had detected a "distinctly un-jasminelike" odor emanating from the basement door of the three-story home.

Ethel's condition has shocked even those on the battle-hardened LAPD.

"My daughter loves Mary-Kate and Ashley, and this is going to be hard to explain to her," Mudd said. "In a way, I wish we'd never found Ethel. As a cop, I see a lot of ugliness every day, but this devastates me. How could something so hideous be connected to something so pure and wholesome?"

The Olsen parents face multiple charges of child abuse and reckless endangerment of a minor, but they are also reportedly in negotiations with television executives to develop a sitcom starring Ethel.

"The parents who did this should be punished," said Linda Spassky, vice-president in charge of programming for ABC Family Channel, which airs the Olsen Twins sitcom So Little Time. "But there is no reason to continue to hurt poor Ethel with further sequestering. After all, she has that magical Olsen name, and that means guaranteed tween appeal."

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