Lapsed Cult Member Only Attends Sanctum On Major Bloodletting Holidays

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Lapsed Cult Member Only Attends Sanctum On Major Bloodletting Holidays

Walsh, who says he “only occasionally” thumbs through his Existence Manual or attends meetings in the compound basement.
Walsh, who says he “only occasionally” thumbs through his Existence Manual or attends meetings in the compound basement.

WHITEBRIDGE, NE—Admitting that he has become “more of a casual follower” in recent years, local Infinite Light cult member Stephen Walsh, 31, told reporters Friday that he now only attends sanctum on the faith’s major bloodletting holidays.

“To be honest, I’ve only been to sanctum maybe three or four times in the last couple years, and only on the most important Self-Energy Offering days,” said Walsh, acknowledging that over the past 12 months his only visits to the master compound have come on the Celestial Beckoning and the trillion-year anniversary of the Trans-Galactic Plague. “I really haven’t consistently gone to the weekly Thought Purges since I was a teenager. And I can’t even remember the last time I sat down with a Purity Guide and had my life-elementals processed.”

“Of course I still have faith in Terry—I still believe he was sent by the galactic Overseers to give us the Teachings,” he continued, noting that while he has an old Existence Manual “lying around somewhere,” he hasn’t picked it up in years. “You know, you just get older, you become busy with school or a job, and the thought of progressing up the Ladder to Time-Body Liberation is not your top priority any longer.”

Raised in a family of devout Infinite Light adherents, Walsh reportedly carried out the cult’s self-reprimanding rites each night and took the Astral Submission Oath at age 14 alongside his peers. However, beginning in his early 20s, Walsh said he began to “drift away” from the cult that he had grown up in and to which he pledged his undying fealty for the next 199 lifetimes.

According to Walsh, as soon as he entered college, he discontinued attending sanctum altogether, acknowledging that without his parents to coax him to put on his mylar-lined bodysuit and visit the compound every Thursday at sundown, he simply lost the motivation to recite the Decoding and communally apply the serum every week.

“Back when I was growing up, we’d always get to sanctum early, sit on the floor circles closest to the great aluminum rod, then stay perfectly still for four hours before washing ourselves in the fluids,” said Walsh, recalling that he used to be “very active” in the cult’s outreach missions to find outsiders, place them in the Holding Room, and mentally project the Teaching toward them for hours on end. “Back then I knew the Existence Manual back to front. But now I’m lucky if I can name even half of Terry’s 31 proclamations on male hygiene.”

“You grow up carving the secret names of the Overseers into living animals hundreds of times, and you just get a little sick of it,” he added. “Honestly, it’s pretty boring to sit in sanctum week after week and hear some old Existence Guide rehash the same tired stories about Terry transforming himself into radio waves and visiting the destination galaxy. It gets a little old, you know?”

Though Walsh confirmed he still observes cultural traditions of The Purpose—such as hanging a picture of Terry in his home, burying guns in his yard, and humming to align his life-elementals in preparation for the day Terry leads his followers from Earth—he admitted that it has been “ages” since he last went to the bunker in Fort Davis to add his seed to the communal Mingling Vessel to help the cult’s Head-Mother bear a child.

“I can’t say I miss the electroconvulsive purges every week—and at this point, I no longer agree with the Overseers’ outdated views that women shouldn’t be allowed to eat meat—but what I do miss is the sense of connection with other followers,” Walsh said. “The togetherness I felt when the entire Collective met in the compound basement, rubbed the serum over each other’s naked bodies, and engaged in the ritual nightlong mass copulation ceremony—it was really nice having that sense of community as part of my life.”

“Maybe when I have kids I’ll get back into the whole thing,” he continued, admitting that he enjoyed the thought of attending sanctum as a family and even one day visiting the settlement in Nicaragua where they could all learn to communicate with the Overseers via the electrostatic signals on analog televisions and radios. “But for now, I don’t know. Incanting Terry’s name in all 200 galactic languages just isn’t how I want to spend my Thursdays.”

In spite of Walsh’s current distance from the cult, his mother Susan Walsh expressed confidence that he would eventually return to the Collective, recalling a similar phase in her youth when she stopped attending sanctum and allowed The Purpose to become a secondary part of her life.

“We all go through times when we lose sight of the Final Way—periods when we stray from Terry,” the 64-year-old cult member said after painting a triangle of her own blood on her forehead. “But it is then that the Overseers seek us out, bring us back to them, and remind us of the Fundamental Truth: We are all electromagnetic particles and Terry will guide us to the pole star.”

“We are all electromagnetic particles and Terry will guide us to the pole star,” she then began to mutter repeatedly. “We are all electromagnetic particles and Terry will guide us to the pole star.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close