‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Laptop Gets To Age When It Can Be Lightly Tossed Sometimes

TROY, AL—Explaining that the degree of care with which it must be handled has been steadily decreasing over time, local man Peter Shepard confirmed Monday that his laptop had reached the age where it can be lightly tossed sometimes. “It’s six years old now, so it’s okay to gently throw it every now and then, but only if it’s onto a soft surface like a couch or something,” said Shepard, who having officially relaxed his standard of care for the 13-inch MacBook Pro purchased in 2011, now often lobs it underhanded onto his bed without hesitation. “I mean, you can’t slam it on the floor or anything, but if I occasionally drop it onto a table from a few inches above, that’s not the end of the world either.” Shepard went on to say that he also has become steadily more comfortable leaving his laptop unattended in public places while he uses the restroom.

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