MANSFIELD, OH—Frantically shifting his gaze between the field and play clock as the seconds wound down, local 34-year-old football fan Isaac Collins announced Sunday that the quarterback better hurry the hell up and snap the ball.
NEW YORKLarry Brown, whose Knicks are currently struggling in the National Basketball Association, vowed that his team will make the playoffs, though he is "not yet sure where." "My guys are all very versatile athletes, and although I know they prefer basketball, the NBA is very competitive this year. Even if it means playing a whole new sport for the rest of the season, I have faith that my team can make it to a postseason," said Brown, who has a reputation for getting his team to "play the right way," and claims he knows how to play soccer and Australian-style football the right way, too. "I think that the MLS or the World Rugby League would be a particularly good fit for the Knicks, and give New York an excellent shot at some kind of national, international, or state championship. Don't count us outwe'll still be around come June, October, March, or January, depending." Knicks point guard Stephon Marbury said he will do anything to finally get a ring, trophy, cup, or plaque, just as long as he doesn't have to play point guard.