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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Larry Brown Promises Knicks Will Make Playoffs In Some League

NEW YORK—Larry Brown, whose Knicks are currently struggling in the National Basketball Association, vowed that his team will make the playoffs, though he is "not yet sure where." "My guys are all very versatile athletes, and although I know they prefer basketball, the NBA is very competitive this year. Even if it means playing a whole new sport for the rest of the season, I have faith that my team can make it to a postseason," said Brown, who has a reputation for getting his team to "play the right way," and claims he knows how to play soccer and Australian-style football the right way, too. "I think that the MLS or the World Rugby League would be a particularly good fit for the Knicks, and give New York an excellent shot at some kind of national, international, or state championship. Don't count us out—we'll still be around come June, October, March, or January, depending." Knicks point guard Stephon Marbury said he will do anything to finally get a ring, trophy, cup, or plaque, just as long as he doesn't have to play point guard.

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