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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Larry Brown Promises Knicks Will Make Playoffs In Some League

NEW YORK—Larry Brown, whose Knicks are currently struggling in the National Basketball Association, vowed that his team will make the playoffs, though he is "not yet sure where." "My guys are all very versatile athletes, and although I know they prefer basketball, the NBA is very competitive this year. Even if it means playing a whole new sport for the rest of the season, I have faith that my team can make it to a postseason," said Brown, who has a reputation for getting his team to "play the right way," and claims he knows how to play soccer and Australian-style football the right way, too. "I think that the MLS or the World Rugby League would be a particularly good fit for the Knicks, and give New York an excellent shot at some kind of national, international, or state championship. Don't count us out—we'll still be around come June, October, March, or January, depending." Knicks point guard Stephon Marbury said he will do anything to finally get a ring, trophy, cup, or plaque, just as long as he doesn't have to play point guard.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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