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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Larry Brown To Trade Secretary Because She Is Unwilling To Conform To His Style Of Collating

PHILADELPHIA—New Philadelphia 76ers executive vice president and former Knicks head coach Larry Brown announced yesterday that plans to trade secretary Eileen Gerard, 63, due to her inability to conform to his style of collating. "I'm a teacher first, and if she is unwilling to see that I am trying to ultimately make her a better secretary, then she has no place in this office," said Brown, adding that he is aware that trading away the office's most popular assistant could do more harm than good in the short term. "I was brought in to turn this place around, and even though it may take a couple of years, soon our secretaries we'll be faxing and taking dictation the right way." According to various office managers throughout the NBA, there is very little interest in Gerard, as many believe she is planning to retire so she can spend more time with her grandchildren.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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