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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Larry Brown To Trade Secretary Because She Is Unwilling To Conform To His Style Of Collating

PHILADELPHIA—New Philadelphia 76ers executive vice president and former Knicks head coach Larry Brown announced yesterday that plans to trade secretary Eileen Gerard, 63, due to her inability to conform to his style of collating. "I'm a teacher first, and if she is unwilling to see that I am trying to ultimately make her a better secretary, then she has no place in this office," said Brown, adding that he is aware that trading away the office's most popular assistant could do more harm than good in the short term. "I was brought in to turn this place around, and even though it may take a couple of years, soon our secretaries we'll be faxing and taking dictation the right way." According to various office managers throughout the NBA, there is very little interest in Gerard, as many believe she is planning to retire so she can spend more time with her grandchildren.

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