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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Larry Brown To Trade Secretary Because She Is Unwilling To Conform To His Style Of Collating

PHILADELPHIA—New Philadelphia 76ers executive vice president and former Knicks head coach Larry Brown announced yesterday that plans to trade secretary Eileen Gerard, 63, due to her inability to conform to his style of collating. "I'm a teacher first, and if she is unwilling to see that I am trying to ultimately make her a better secretary, then she has no place in this office," said Brown, adding that he is aware that trading away the office's most popular assistant could do more harm than good in the short term. "I was brought in to turn this place around, and even though it may take a couple of years, soon our secretaries we'll be faxing and taking dictation the right way." According to various office managers throughout the NBA, there is very little interest in Gerard, as many believe she is planning to retire so she can spend more time with her grandchildren.

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