Laser Pointer Aimed Toward Space In 1997 Finally Annoying Planet 13 Light-Years Away

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Vol 46 Issue 11

NHL Holds Fan Attendance Night

NEW YORK—In a promotion aimed at encouraging people who like hockey to come and watch teams play the sport, the NHL held its first-ever Fan Attendance Night on Tuesday.

Newest Bronco Brady Quinn: 'The Brody Qualls Era Has Begun'

DENVER—In the first of what is expected to be a long series of gaffes with his new team, quarterback Brady Quinn bungled a statement to Broncos coaches, players, and fans Tuesday by mistakenly declaring that the Brody Qualls era had begun in Denver.

Sometimes, Area Woman Just Feels...

BELMONT, NH—"It's not anybody’s fault, honestly," said 28-year-old Megan Slota, standing in her kitchen and holding a mug of tea with both hands. "Sometimes I just get like this where it's like I'm not, I guess, whatever. We don’t have to get into it right now."

Entire Nation Picks Same Bracket

WASHINGTON—Citizens across the United States have selected the exact same teams to win every single game of the NCAA Tournament, handing in millions of completely identical brackets, college-basketball-pool organizers reported Thursday.

Merlin Olsen

As a defensive lineman, the late Merlin Olsen was a 14-time Pro Bowler; as an actor, he starred in Father Murphy. Was he any good?
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Laser Pointer Aimed Toward Space In 1997 Finally Annoying Planet 13 Light-Years Away

ZORAXION CITY, IMPERIAL HOMEWORLD—A laser pointer directed at the night sky by a young human in 1997 has finally reached the home planet of the Zoraxian race and is "annoying the hell out of everybody," sources on the alien planet reported Tuesday. "What is that irritating dot?" Zoraxian Emperor Fi'ar Shal Shoka communicated in a telepathic message delivered to the outer edges of the Throndastural Sands. "It's pointed right at my facial genitalia. This is so embarrassing." At press time, irritated Zoraxian military personnel were hard at work building a giant megalaser designed to incinerate the source planet of the irritation.

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