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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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LASIK Surgery Allows Baron To See Without Monocle

KÖNIGSBERG, EAST PRUSSIA—Baron Fritz von Friedrich VII, steward of Württemberg, told reporters Saturday that the LASIK surgery he recently underwent to correct the vision in his left eye has been an unmitigated success, allowing him to see without the aid of a monocle for the first time in 30 years. "I grew so dreadfully weary of affixing my monocle whenever I wished to look over a writ concerning one parcel of land or another," said the baron, adding that the sunglass monocle he had to wear while his eye recovered was worth the inconvenience, though its darkened lens forced him to rely upon the opinion of his manservant when selecting a dressing gown each morning. "Now if only they had some miracle remedy for my terribly sensitive hands so I didn't have to wear these wretched white gloves all the time!" Von Friedrich added that he was most grateful for the fact that he will never again have to wear contact monocles, the gold chains of which badly irritated his eye.

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