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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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LASIK Surgery Allows Baron To See Without Monocle

KÖNIGSBERG, EAST PRUSSIA—Baron Fritz von Friedrich VII, steward of Württemberg, told reporters Saturday that the LASIK surgery he recently underwent to correct the vision in his left eye has been an unmitigated success, allowing him to see without the aid of a monocle for the first time in 30 years. "I grew so dreadfully weary of affixing my monocle whenever I wished to look over a writ concerning one parcel of land or another," said the baron, adding that the sunglass monocle he had to wear while his eye recovered was worth the inconvenience, though its darkened lens forced him to rely upon the opinion of his manservant when selecting a dressing gown each morning. "Now if only they had some miracle remedy for my terribly sensitive hands so I didn't have to wear these wretched white gloves all the time!" Von Friedrich added that he was most grateful for the fact that he will never again have to wear contact monocles, the gold chains of which badly irritated his eye.

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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