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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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LASIK Surgery Allows Baron To See Without Monocle

KÖNIGSBERG, EAST PRUSSIA—Baron Fritz von Friedrich VII, steward of Württemberg, told reporters Saturday that the LASIK surgery he recently underwent to correct the vision in his left eye has been an unmitigated success, allowing him to see without the aid of a monocle for the first time in 30 years. "I grew so dreadfully weary of affixing my monocle whenever I wished to look over a writ concerning one parcel of land or another," said the baron, adding that the sunglass monocle he had to wear while his eye recovered was worth the inconvenience, though its darkened lens forced him to rely upon the opinion of his manservant when selecting a dressing gown each morning. "Now if only they had some miracle remedy for my terribly sensitive hands so I didn't have to wear these wretched white gloves all the time!" Von Friedrich added that he was most grateful for the fact that he will never again have to wear contact monocles, the gold chains of which badly irritated his eye.

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