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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Last 12 Years A Real Wake-Up Call For Area Man

SAGINAW, MI—Saying he had been “shaken up pretty badly” after hitting rock bottom from 2001 to 2013, local man Phillip Garvey, 41, told reporters Tuesday that the past 12 years had been the incident that finally motivated him to turn his life around. “It was a real eye-opener for me as soon as things got really rough there for about a dozen years,” Garvey said of the period during which he endured a failed marriage, a bankruptcy, and a bout with alcoholism. “Those years when I was between the ages of 29 and 41, that’s when it truly hit me: Something’s gotta change. I have to start taking charge of my life right now.” Garvey later admitted that while he’d had “a pretty good scare” between 1993 and 2000, the past 12 years had really been “the last straw.”

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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