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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Last 12 Years A Real Wake-Up Call For Area Man

SAGINAW, MI—Saying he had been “shaken up pretty badly” after hitting rock bottom from 2001 to 2013, local man Phillip Garvey, 41, told reporters Tuesday that the past 12 years had been the incident that finally motivated him to turn his life around. “It was a real eye-opener for me as soon as things got really rough there for about a dozen years,” Garvey said of the period during which he endured a failed marriage, a bankruptcy, and a bout with alcoholism. “Those years when I was between the ages of 29 and 41, that’s when it truly hit me: Something’s gotta change. I have to start taking charge of my life right now.” Garvey later admitted that while he’d had “a pretty good scare” between 1993 and 2000, the past 12 years had really been “the last straw.”

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