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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Last 12 Years A Real Wake-Up Call For Area Man

SAGINAW, MI—Saying he had been “shaken up pretty badly” after hitting rock bottom from 2001 to 2013, local man Phillip Garvey, 41, told reporters Tuesday that the past 12 years had been the incident that finally motivated him to turn his life around. “It was a real eye-opener for me as soon as things got really rough there for about a dozen years,” Garvey said of the period during which he endured a failed marriage, a bankruptcy, and a bout with alcoholism. “Those years when I was between the ages of 29 and 41, that’s when it truly hit me: Something’s gotta change. I have to start taking charge of my life right now.” Garvey later admitted that while he’d had “a pretty good scare” between 1993 and 2000, the past 12 years had really been “the last straw.”

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