‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Last French Fry Told To 'Get Your Ass Over Here'

AURORA, IL—Plaza Diner patron Roger Trabers, upon noticing that one french fry on his plate had eluded his field of vision, demanded that the fried potato strip "get [its] ass over here." "Whoa, where do you think you're going, buddy? I see you hiding behind that pickle," said Trabers, who called the fry a "smart little fella" before picking it up and dunking it in ketchup. "Thought you could get away, eh? Well, time to say hello to Mr. Tummy." Trabers then popped the fry into his mouth, made a satisfied "gulp" noise, and went home and blew his brains out.

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