Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Last French Fry Told To 'Get Your Ass Over Here'

AURORA, IL—Plaza Diner patron Roger Trabers, upon noticing that one french fry on his plate had eluded his field of vision, demanded that the fried potato strip "get [its] ass over here." "Whoa, where do you think you're going, buddy? I see you hiding behind that pickle," said Trabers, who called the fry a "smart little fella" before picking it up and dunking it in ketchup. "Thought you could get away, eh? Well, time to say hello to Mr. Tummy." Trabers then popped the fry into his mouth, made a satisfied "gulp" noise, and went home and blew his brains out.


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