BROOKLYN, NY—Six months after going out of business as Sherelle’s Salon, a closed storefront in the rapidly gentrifying neighborhood of Crown Heights was on the verge of emerging from its chrysalis as a beautiful gastropub, sources confirmed Tuesday.
AURORA, IL—Plaza Diner patron Roger Trabers, upon noticing that one french fry on his plate had eluded his field of vision, demanded that the fried potato strip "get [its] ass over here." "Whoa, where do you think you're going, buddy? I see you hiding behind that pickle," said Trabers, who called the fry a "smart little fella" before picking it up and dunking it in ketchup. "Thought you could get away, eh? Well, time to say hello to Mr. Tummy." Trabers then popped the fry into his mouth, made a satisfied "gulp" noise, and went home and blew his brains out.