adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
End Of Section
  • More News

Last Hoosier Dies In Captivity

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Americans across the country mourned Saturday after the world’s last remaining Hoosier, Austin, died in captivity inside the Indiana University research center and preserve, where it lived out the final years of its life. “This is a trying day for the residents of this state who have long felt a spiritual connection with these native creatures,” said Dr. Roger Sanburn, who spent the last six years with the Hoosier and described the species as generally meek, but scrappy. “He was a beautiful specimen, a 6-foot-3 Caucasian subset, who loved big meals of chicken and mashed potatoes, and whose favorite activity was playing basketball with the scientists and research assistants who studied him.” Sanburn confirmed that attempts to breed the endangered Hoosier over the past several years proved unsuccessful due to rejection from females.

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close