adBlockCheck

Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
End Of Section
  • More News

Last Hoosier Dies In Captivity

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Americans across the country mourned Saturday after the world’s last remaining Hoosier, Austin, died in captivity inside the Indiana University research center and preserve, where it lived out the final years of its life. “This is a trying day for the residents of this state who have long felt a spiritual connection with these native creatures,” said Dr. Roger Sanburn, who spent the last six years with the Hoosier and described the species as generally meek, but scrappy. “He was a beautiful specimen, a 6-foot-3 Caucasian subset, who loved big meals of chicken and mashed potatoes, and whose favorite activity was playing basketball with the scientists and research assistants who studied him.” Sanburn confirmed that attempts to breed the endangered Hoosier over the past several years proved unsuccessful due to rejection from females.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close