Last Living California Raisin Dies Of Prostate Cancer

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Vol 50 Issue 14

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Client pitch, circa 1961

Scholars: ‘Gospel Of Jesus’ Wife’ Authentic

Two years after the discovery of a papyrus that includes the phrase “Jesus said to them, ‘my wife,’” researchers have announced that the fragment is not a forgery and was likely written in the Middle Ages, though it does not necess...

Woman Barely Jogging

PORTLAND, OR—Making negligible movements with her arms and legs as she sluggishly made her way along the sidewalk, a woman gradually progressing down Madison Street Friday was barely even jogging, sources confirmed.

Report Finds Steady Rise In Stay-At-Home Mothers

According to a new report by the Pew Institute, the number of stay-at-home mothers has risen significantly over the past decade, with more than 29 percent of mothers with children under 18 staying home in 2012.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Last Living California Raisin Dies Of Prostate Cancer

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Beebop, the percussionist and last surviving member of the 1980s R&B supergroup The California Raisins, died Thursday following a lengthy battle with prostate cancer, multiple sources confirmed this morning. “With a heavy heart, we announce that beloved recording artist Beebop passed away yesterday surrounded by friends and family, culminating a long and colorful career that spanned music, television, and film,” read a press statement from Rudy Bagaman, the group’s longtime manager. “From his rhythmic accompaniment and backing vocals on the Raisins’ hit ‘I Heard It Through The Grapevine,’ to his unforgettable work on numerous broadcast commercials and specials, Beebop’s legacy will endure for generations to come. Our thoughts are with his widow and children at this difficult time.” The California Raisins’ bassist, Stretch, died of liver disease in 2004, while fellow bandmates Red and A.C. famously perished in a Los Angeles nightclub fire in 1998.

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