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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Last Minute Of Man's Sexual Prime Expires During Routine Visit To Dry Cleaner

WICHITA, KS—At 8:42 p.m. Thursday, Wichita resident Cody Dixon, 29, reportedly spent the final seconds of his peak period of virility dropping off two dress shirts at Lambert's Dry Cleaners. "Can I get these by Thursday?" asked Dixon as the testosterone coursing through his veins reached a zenith he will never again know and his libido began its slow, lifelong decline. "Heavy starch would be good. Otherwise those collars won't stand up." Though Dixon did not appear† to notice the wane of his sexual prime, he was momentarily aware of his entry into the peak back-hair-growing phase of his life.

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