Last Minute Of Man's Sexual Prime Expires During Routine Visit To Dry Cleaner

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Vol 45 Issue 50

Everyone In Dream Smells Smoke

DAYTON, OH—Every single person, historical figure, and anthropomorphic talking object from Brian Jensen's dream Sunday night was suddenly struck by the unusually powerful smell of smoke, subconscious sources reported.

Mark Ingram

The Alabama halfback may become the first Crimson Tide player ever to win the Heisman. Is he any good?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Late Night

Last Minute Of Man's Sexual Prime Expires During Routine Visit To Dry Cleaner

WICHITA, KS—At 8:42 p.m. Thursday, Wichita resident Cody Dixon, 29, reportedly spent the final seconds of his peak period of virility dropping off two dress shirts at Lambert's Dry Cleaners. "Can I get these by Thursday?" asked Dixon as the testosterone coursing through his veins reached a zenith he will never again know and his libido began its slow, lifelong decline. "Heavy starch would be good. Otherwise those collars won't stand up." Though Dixon did not appear† to notice the wane of his sexual prime, he was momentarily aware of his entry into the peak back-hair-growing phase of his life.

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