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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Last Month Apparently Women's History Month

ATLANTA–According to an ad in a March issue of Bon Appetit magazine lying around dermatologist Dr. Ira Haas' waiting room, March was, apparently, Women's History Month. "I had no idea," said Gail Travis, who happened to come across the ad, which read, "Join Almay In Celebrating Women's History Month," while waiting to see Haas. "That's the first I'd heard of it. Oh, well, guess I missed it." People across the nation are equally surprised. "Are you sure? I thought it was Black History Month," said Timothy Durkee of Wayzata, MN. "Or maybe that was February." Liz Unger, CEO of Almay Cosmetics and co-chair of the Women's History Month Project, described the month-long celebration of "women's remarkable contributions through the ages" as an "unqualified success."

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