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Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Last Time Sources Checked This Still America

If sources are not mistaken, it says so right in the Pledge of Allegiance: one nation under God.
If sources are not mistaken, it says so right in the Pledge of Allegiance: one nation under God.

WASHINGTON—All across the country, from Maine to Mississippi, sources confirmed this week that last time they checked this was still America, and would remain America, like it or not.

Despite what the mainstream media would like sources to believe, those interviewed said Tuesday that, unless they missed something while they were sleeping, the United States of America had not turned overnight into some communist-type nation that didn't care about ideals like freedom, liberty, or democracy anymore.

"I've never been very good at geography, but I'm pretty sure this isn't China we're supposed to be living in," Denver resident Jim Sanborn said. "At least, I didn't see any tanks rolling down the street last time I looked out my window."

"Nope," added Sanborn, pulling back the curtain of his kitchen window. "Sure doesn't look like Beijing to me."

The fifth largest and single greatest country in the world, the United States of America was founded in 1776 when our founding forefathers—who sources claimed were turning over in their goddamn graves right now—signed the Declaration of Independence.

The Bill of Rights was ratified 13 years later, guaranteeing each citizen freedom, the cost of which is reportedly not free.

"You know, I seem to recall a whole lot of our young men dying so that we could have these many liberties we enjoy," Rebecca Treeman, a Miami-area mother of four, told reporters. "So excuse me if I don't jump with joy every time I see someone trashing the red, white, and blue."

Treeman went on to explain that these colors, which make up the American flag, do not run.

A survey conducted by Rasmussen Reports bolstered sources' claims that more and more people don't seem to know that this was founded as a Christian nation, and that a majority of them that don't would be better off packing up and moving some place where they don't believe in things like the Bible.

Eighty-three percent of those polled said the United States is not some backwards socialist haven; 64 percent believed that the United States was not France or Sweden or some godforsaken place like Iraq; 29 percent said the government had no business getting involved; and 14 percent said that America was still America and would stay that way if they had anything to do with it.

Sources admitted that new policies introduced by you-know-who in the White House had given some the impression that America was a big old cash machine that liked to give handouts to any illegal immigrant who wandered across the border. But, they asserted, a close examination of the population at large reveals that, yup, we still speak a language called English around here.

"I respect people of all races and colors," said contractor Dave Altschul of Santa Fe, NM. "But hardworking Americans are losing their jobs every day. I don't know about you, but I'd rather celebrate the Fourth of July than Cinco de Mayo."

"Last time I read the Constitution, it didn't say anything about Mexico," Altschul added.

Upon hearing that New York's redevelopment plans for the site of its 9/11 attack may include a 13-story mosque, a number of sources said they were confused by this fact, and asked reporters why they didn't get the memo that all 300 million Americans had converted to Islam all of a sudden.

Sources also confirmed USA! USA! USA! USA!

"In the final analysis, it is the diversity of people and ideas that makes our nation great," sociologist Rick Harper of Georgetown University said. "However, just because people have the right to say that doesn't mean that they should. This is America. Love it or leave it."

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