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Last Time Sources Checked This Still America

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What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
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Last Time Sources Checked This Still America

If sources are not mistaken, it says so right in the Pledge of Allegiance: one nation under God.
If sources are not mistaken, it says so right in the Pledge of Allegiance: one nation under God.

WASHINGTON—All across the country, from Maine to Mississippi, sources confirmed this week that last time they checked this was still America, and would remain America, like it or not.

Despite what the mainstream media would like sources to believe, those interviewed said Tuesday that, unless they missed something while they were sleeping, the United States of America had not turned overnight into some communist-type nation that didn't care about ideals like freedom, liberty, or democracy anymore.

"I've never been very good at geography, but I'm pretty sure this isn't China we're supposed to be living in," Denver resident Jim Sanborn said. "At least, I didn't see any tanks rolling down the street last time I looked out my window."

"Nope," added Sanborn, pulling back the curtain of his kitchen window. "Sure doesn't look like Beijing to me."

The fifth largest and single greatest country in the world, the United States of America was founded in 1776 when our founding forefathers—who sources claimed were turning over in their goddamn graves right now—signed the Declaration of Independence.

The Bill of Rights was ratified 13 years later, guaranteeing each citizen freedom, the cost of which is reportedly not free.

"You know, I seem to recall a whole lot of our young men dying so that we could have these many liberties we enjoy," Rebecca Treeman, a Miami-area mother of four, told reporters. "So excuse me if I don't jump with joy every time I see someone trashing the red, white, and blue."

Treeman went on to explain that these colors, which make up the American flag, do not run.

A survey conducted by Rasmussen Reports bolstered sources' claims that more and more people don't seem to know that this was founded as a Christian nation, and that a majority of them that don't would be better off packing up and moving some place where they don't believe in things like the Bible.

Eighty-three percent of those polled said the United States is not some backwards socialist haven; 64 percent believed that the United States was not France or Sweden or some godforsaken place like Iraq; 29 percent said the government had no business getting involved; and 14 percent said that America was still America and would stay that way if they had anything to do with it.

Sources admitted that new policies introduced by you-know-who in the White House had given some the impression that America was a big old cash machine that liked to give handouts to any illegal immigrant who wandered across the border. But, they asserted, a close examination of the population at large reveals that, yup, we still speak a language called English around here.

"I respect people of all races and colors," said contractor Dave Altschul of Santa Fe, NM. "But hardworking Americans are losing their jobs every day. I don't know about you, but I'd rather celebrate the Fourth of July than Cinco de Mayo."

"Last time I read the Constitution, it didn't say anything about Mexico," Altschul added.

Upon hearing that New York's redevelopment plans for the site of its 9/11 attack may include a 13-story mosque, a number of sources said they were confused by this fact, and asked reporters why they didn't get the memo that all 300 million Americans had converted to Islam all of a sudden.

Sources also confirmed USA! USA! USA! USA!

"In the final analysis, it is the diversity of people and ideas that makes our nation great," sociologist Rick Harper of Georgetown University said. "However, just because people have the right to say that doesn't mean that they should. This is America. Love it or leave it."

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