Last Time Sources Checked This Still America

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Revelations From Trump’s Financial Documents

Donald Trump made the financial disclosures this week required of all presidential candidates, divulging his job titles, assets, and other information in a 92-page report. Here are some things we learned about Trump in these documents

What’s Next For U.S.-Cuban Relations

After 54 years of closure, the U.S. embassy in Havana and the Cuban embassy in Washington, D.C. each began flying their flags once more this week, a symbol of the restored diplomatic ties between the two nations. Here is what we can expect from the relationship going forward

Candidate Profile: Scott Walker

Wisconsin governor Scott Walker formally announced Monday that he will run for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential election, bringing one of the frontrunners in early polls officially into the race. Here are some key facts to know about Walker

Candidate Profile: Bobby Jindal

Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal declared Wednesday his candidacy for the 2016 presidential nomination, although the Rhodes Scholar and one-time Republican rising star faces difficult odds in a jam-packed primary field. Here’s what you need to know about Jindal

Candidate Profile: Donald Trump

Billionaire real estate mogul and television personality Donald Trump announced Tuesday plans to run in the 2016 presidential election, marking the first time he will formally seek the Republican nomination after floating the idea in several previous election cycles. Here are some key facts to know about Trump:

Candidate Profile: Jeb Bush

Former Florida governor Jeb Bush announced his candidacy Monday for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential election, putting one of the early frontrunners in the polls officially into the race. Here are some key facts to know about Jeb Bush:

Candidate Profile: Rick Perry

Former Texas governor Rick Perry announced Thursday his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, hoping to fare better than he did in his unsuccessful bid for the Republican nomination in 2012. Here’s what you need to know about Perry:

Candidate Profile: Lindsey Graham

South Carolina senator and retired Air Force colonel Lindsey Graham officially announced Monday that he will run in the 2016 presidential race, adding his name to the increasingly crowded Republican field. Here are some key facts to know about Graham

Candidate Profile: Martin O’Malley

Former Maryland governor and Baltimore mayor Martin O’Malley announced Saturday that he will enter the 2016 presidential race, becoming the third Democratic hopeful to officially declare his candidacy. Here are some key facts to know about O’Malley:

Candidate Profile: Rick Santorum

Former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum announced his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election on Wednesday, bringing the runner-up from the 2012 Republican primaries officially into the race. Here’s what you need to know about Santorum:

Features Of The Obama Presidential Library

Barack Obama announced Tuesday that his presidential library will be built on the South Side of Chicago, with construction on the ambitious project due for completion by 2020 or 2021. Here are some features the new library will contain

What Is A Super PAC?

The result of two controversial 2010 federal court cases removing traditional restrictions on political action committee spending, super PACs are expected to have a significant influence on the results of the 2016 elections. Here is everything you need to know about super PACs

Candidate Profile: Mike Huckabee

Former Arkansas governor and Fox News personality Mike Huckabee announced his 2016 presidential candidacy Tuesday, becoming the sixth Republican hopeful to officially enter the race. Here’s what you need to know about Huckabee

Who Is Ben Carson?

Retired neurosurgeon and rising conservative star Ben Carson announced his bid for the presidency Monday, the first African-American candidate of either major political party to do so. Here’s what you need to know about the Republican candidate:

Who Is Carly Fiorina?

Carly Fiorina, a former Silicon Valley executive, announced Monday her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, becoming the first female Republican hopeful to officially launch a campaign. Here’s what you should know about Fiorina:

Who Is Bernie Sanders?

Independent Vermont senator and self-proclaimed “democratic socialist” Bernie Sanders officially declared his candidacy in the 2016 election Thursday.

Who Is Marco Rubio?

Following similar announcements by Ted Cruz and Rand Paul, Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) has become the third GOP candidate to declare his bid in the 2016 presidential race.

Hillary Clinton To Nation: ‘Do Not Fuck This Up For Me’

WASHINGTON—After several seconds spent sitting motionless and glaring directly into the camera, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reportedly began Sunday’s video announcing her 2016 presidential bid by warning the nation not to fuck th...

Candidate Profile: Hillary Clinton

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is expected to officially announce her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election on Sunday, putting an end to months of speculation about her plans.

Who Is Rand Paul?

Kentucky senator Rand Paul announced Tuesday his plans to run for president in 2016, with the libertarian becoming the second Republican to officially declare his candidacy.

Gerrymandering Mishap Leaves Nation Without Any Borders Whatsoever

U.S. In Chaos After All District, State, National Boundaries Erased Overnight

WASHINGTON—Urging calm after citizens awoke to find the country’s political boundaries had disappeared completely, authorities announced Thursday that a devastating gerrymandering blunder had left the United States devoid of any district, stat...

Who Is Ted Cruz?

Texas senator Ted Cruz announced Monday that he will run for president in 2016, becoming the first Republican politician to officially declare his candidacy.

U.S. Worried About Living Up To Netanyahu Campaign Promises

WASHINGTON—Saying the Likud Party leader had set Israeli citizens’ expectations extremely high in the run up to his reelection Tuesday, top-level sources expressed their worry Wednesday about whether the United States would actually be able to...

A Timeline Of U.S.-Israel Relations

A congressional visit from Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu that has reportedly rankled President Obama is the latest issue in what have often been strained diplomatic ties between the two countries.

Keystone Veto Buys Environment At Least 3 Or 4 More Hours

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the numerous ecological benefits of blocking the proposed legislation, experts confirmed Wednesday that President Obama’s decision to veto the Keystone XL pipeline bill should buy the environment an additional three or f...

Obama’s Plan For Fighting Extremism

President Obama spoke before gathered world leaders this week at a summit on extremism, discussing the root causes of such violence, weighing options for combating terrorist groups like ISIS and Boko Haram, and laying out a plan for curbing attacks.

Fact-Checking The State Of The Union Address

Addressing issues ranging from income inequality and tax reform to trade agreements and the Cuba embargo, President Obama offered arguments for a wide range of policy proposals in last night’s State of the Union.

First-Term Congressman Brings Fresh Roadblocks To Table

WASHINGTON—Praising the bold new perspective he has introduced to Congress since being sworn in last week, sources said Monday that first-term representative Barry Loudermilk (R-GA) has already brought a host of fresh roadblocks to the table.

The GOP’s Legislative Agenda

With the GOP formally taking control of Congress today following victories in November’s midterm elections, House and Senate Republicans are in a strong position to push their legislative agenda.

Schlubs From U.S., China Meet In Lowest-Level Talks

BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA—In an effort to strengthen diplomatic ties between the global superpowers’ most oafish representatives, sources confirmed Thursday that schlubs from the United States and China met in Australia this week for a series of low...

How Obama's Immigration Plan Would Work

President Obama has announced that he will take a series of executive actions to protect up to 5 million undocumented immigrants from deportation and help pave the way for those living in the country illegally to become U.S. citizens. Here is a step-by-step look at the president’s plan

Biden Tossed Out Of Car Passing By White House

WASHINGTON—At approximately 2 a.m. Thursday morning, White House sources confirmed that Vice President Joe Biden was forcibly pushed out the rear door of a moving 1980 Lincoln Town Car onto the curb outside 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
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Last Time Sources Checked This Still America

If sources are not mistaken, it says so right in the Pledge of Allegiance: one nation under God.
If sources are not mistaken, it says so right in the Pledge of Allegiance: one nation under God.

WASHINGTON—All across the country, from Maine to Mississippi, sources confirmed this week that last time they checked this was still America, and would remain America, like it or not.

Despite what the mainstream media would like sources to believe, those interviewed said Tuesday that, unless they missed something while they were sleeping, the United States of America had not turned overnight into some communist-type nation that didn't care about ideals like freedom, liberty, or democracy anymore.

"I've never been very good at geography, but I'm pretty sure this isn't China we're supposed to be living in," Denver resident Jim Sanborn said. "At least, I didn't see any tanks rolling down the street last time I looked out my window."

"Nope," added Sanborn, pulling back the curtain of his kitchen window. "Sure doesn't look like Beijing to me."

The fifth largest and single greatest country in the world, the United States of America was founded in 1776 when our founding forefathers—who sources claimed were turning over in their goddamn graves right now—signed the Declaration of Independence.

The Bill of Rights was ratified 13 years later, guaranteeing each citizen freedom, the cost of which is reportedly not free.

"You know, I seem to recall a whole lot of our young men dying so that we could have these many liberties we enjoy," Rebecca Treeman, a Miami-area mother of four, told reporters. "So excuse me if I don't jump with joy every time I see someone trashing the red, white, and blue."

Treeman went on to explain that these colors, which make up the American flag, do not run.

A survey conducted by Rasmussen Reports bolstered sources' claims that more and more people don't seem to know that this was founded as a Christian nation, and that a majority of them that don't would be better off packing up and moving some place where they don't believe in things like the Bible.

Eighty-three percent of those polled said the United States is not some backwards socialist haven; 64 percent believed that the United States was not France or Sweden or some godforsaken place like Iraq; 29 percent said the government had no business getting involved; and 14 percent said that America was still America and would stay that way if they had anything to do with it.

Sources admitted that new policies introduced by you-know-who in the White House had given some the impression that America was a big old cash machine that liked to give handouts to any illegal immigrant who wandered across the border. But, they asserted, a close examination of the population at large reveals that, yup, we still speak a language called English around here.

"I respect people of all races and colors," said contractor Dave Altschul of Santa Fe, NM. "But hardworking Americans are losing their jobs every day. I don't know about you, but I'd rather celebrate the Fourth of July than Cinco de Mayo."

"Last time I read the Constitution, it didn't say anything about Mexico," Altschul added.

Upon hearing that New York's redevelopment plans for the site of its 9/11 attack may include a 13-story mosque, a number of sources said they were confused by this fact, and asked reporters why they didn't get the memo that all 300 million Americans had converted to Islam all of a sudden.

Sources also confirmed USA! USA! USA! USA!

"In the final analysis, it is the diversity of people and ideas that makes our nation great," sociologist Rick Harper of Georgetown University said. "However, just because people have the right to say that doesn't mean that they should. This is America. Love it or leave it."