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Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

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Last Time Sources Checked This Still America

If sources are not mistaken, it says so right in the Pledge of Allegiance: one nation under God.
If sources are not mistaken, it says so right in the Pledge of Allegiance: one nation under God.

WASHINGTON—All across the country, from Maine to Mississippi, sources confirmed this week that last time they checked this was still America, and would remain America, like it or not.

Despite what the mainstream media would like sources to believe, those interviewed said Tuesday that, unless they missed something while they were sleeping, the United States of America had not turned overnight into some communist-type nation that didn't care about ideals like freedom, liberty, or democracy anymore.

"I've never been very good at geography, but I'm pretty sure this isn't China we're supposed to be living in," Denver resident Jim Sanborn said. "At least, I didn't see any tanks rolling down the street last time I looked out my window."

"Nope," added Sanborn, pulling back the curtain of his kitchen window. "Sure doesn't look like Beijing to me."

The fifth largest and single greatest country in the world, the United States of America was founded in 1776 when our founding forefathers—who sources claimed were turning over in their goddamn graves right now—signed the Declaration of Independence.

The Bill of Rights was ratified 13 years later, guaranteeing each citizen freedom, the cost of which is reportedly not free.

"You know, I seem to recall a whole lot of our young men dying so that we could have these many liberties we enjoy," Rebecca Treeman, a Miami-area mother of four, told reporters. "So excuse me if I don't jump with joy every time I see someone trashing the red, white, and blue."

Treeman went on to explain that these colors, which make up the American flag, do not run.

A survey conducted by Rasmussen Reports bolstered sources' claims that more and more people don't seem to know that this was founded as a Christian nation, and that a majority of them that don't would be better off packing up and moving some place where they don't believe in things like the Bible.

Eighty-three percent of those polled said the United States is not some backwards socialist haven; 64 percent believed that the United States was not France or Sweden or some godforsaken place like Iraq; 29 percent said the government had no business getting involved; and 14 percent said that America was still America and would stay that way if they had anything to do with it.

Sources admitted that new policies introduced by you-know-who in the White House had given some the impression that America was a big old cash machine that liked to give handouts to any illegal immigrant who wandered across the border. But, they asserted, a close examination of the population at large reveals that, yup, we still speak a language called English around here.

"I respect people of all races and colors," said contractor Dave Altschul of Santa Fe, NM. "But hardworking Americans are losing their jobs every day. I don't know about you, but I'd rather celebrate the Fourth of July than Cinco de Mayo."

"Last time I read the Constitution, it didn't say anything about Mexico," Altschul added.

Upon hearing that New York's redevelopment plans for the site of its 9/11 attack may include a 13-story mosque, a number of sources said they were confused by this fact, and asked reporters why they didn't get the memo that all 300 million Americans had converted to Islam all of a sudden.

Sources also confirmed USA! USA! USA! USA!

"In the final analysis, it is the diversity of people and ideas that makes our nation great," sociologist Rick Harper of Georgetown University said. "However, just because people have the right to say that doesn't mean that they should. This is America. Love it or leave it."

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