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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Late-Arriving Guest Encouraged To Load Up On Food Sitting In Sun For Past 4 Hours

HARTFORD, CT—Insisting there was still plenty left to eat, local party hosts Dana and Mark Randolph reportedly encouraged late-arriving guest Jonathan Morse this weekend to load up on food that had been sitting out in the sun for the past four hours. “We’ve got a whole spread, so just grab a plate and dig in,” said the Randolphs, pointing their guest toward a table filled with a variety of dried-out cheese slices, wilted salad greens, mushy coleslaw, and discolored guacamole that had been exposed to direct sunlight for the entire afternoon. “You definitely have to try Dana’s potato salad—it’s really good [and disgusting now], and there’s a few hot dogs left [in a cloudy puddle of hot dog juice]. Help yourself.” Sources later confirmed that Morse had fished a can of lukewarm beer out of a cooler filled with murky water.

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