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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Late-Arriving Guest Encouraged To Load Up On Food Sitting In Sun For Past 4 Hours

HARTFORD, CT—Insisting there was still plenty left to eat, local party hosts Dana and Mark Randolph reportedly encouraged late-arriving guest Jonathan Morse this weekend to load up on food that had been sitting out in the sun for the past four hours. “We’ve got a whole spread, so just grab a plate and dig in,” said the Randolphs, pointing their guest toward a table filled with a variety of dried-out cheese slices, wilted salad greens, mushy coleslaw, and discolored guacamole that had been exposed to direct sunlight for the entire afternoon. “You definitely have to try Dana’s potato salad—it’s really good [and disgusting now], and there’s a few hot dogs left [in a cloudy puddle of hot dog juice]. Help yourself.” Sources later confirmed that Morse had fished a can of lukewarm beer out of a cooler filled with murky water.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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