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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Latest Blake Griffin Dunk More Annoying Than Anything

LOS ANGELES—Players and fans alike are saying that Blake Griffin's latest dunk, while a solid, unstoppable one-handed jam, was actually more irritating than it was breathtaking or impressive. "Just the way he palmed the ball was, like, ‘Oh, I'm going to jump up with this and place it through the hoop now, ooh, look at me,’" said Lakers center Andrew Bynum, adding that the dunk was "probably going to come back to bug [him] all week at odd moments" until the playoffs started. "And the way he jumped? Tell me that wasn't the most aggravating jump you've seen since Reggie Miller was playing." Despite the generally acknowledged off-putting nature of Griffin's dunk, onlookers agreed Kobe Bryant was still the most annoying thing about the game.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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