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Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Latest Department Of Interior River Count Comes Up One Short

WASHINGTON—Officials at the Department of the Interior scrambled this week when their annual tally of the nation's rivers repeatedly came up one short. "Okay, let's start again—we have the Ohio, and then there's the Mississippi, the Missouri..." said frantic Deputy Secretary David J. Hayes shuffling through a clutter of maps on his desk. "Wait, a river's the one that flows toward the ocean, right? Or is that a tributary? Jesus, are rivers and tributaries the same thing?" Until the missing river turns up, DOI officials are advising all citizens to remain vigilant and immediately phone the department's National River Hotline should they encounter any unusual bodies of water.

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