Latest Department Of Interior River Count Comes Up One Short

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Vol 45 Issue 37

Web Gem Disappointing

URBANA, IL—The No. 3 Web Gem of the Day, Blue Jays third baseman Jose Bautista's backhand pickup of an Evan Longoria grounder, was a "great disappointment" to avid baseball fan Andrew Missel, who questioned whether the play deserved any honor at all. "So, what—he just short-hopped the ball?" asked Missel, who has often expressed deep dissatisfaction with the rankings and nominations of the Baseball Tonight segment.

East Carolina Grad Thinks East Carolina A State

JACKSONVILLE, FL—At a press conference Monday, Jaguars quarterback and East Carolina University alum David Garrard indicated through certain statements to reporters that "East Carolina" is one of the 50 United States. "I can say without hesitation that it is definitely my favorite of all the Carolinas," said the former ECU Pirate, who, when pressed, identified the imaginary commonwealth's capital as Greenville and its state bird as the red-necked grebe.

Area Man Unsustainable, Experts Warn

WASHINGTON—Experts predict 39-year-old Doug Mahoney's most nutrient-rich layers will be washed away by the end of the decade, leaving little more than a desiccated, middle-aged wasteland.
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Latest Department Of Interior River Count Comes Up One Short

WASHINGTON—Officials at the Department of the Interior scrambled this week when their annual tally of the nation's rivers repeatedly came up one short. "Okay, let's start again—we have the Ohio, and then there's the Mississippi, the Missouri..." said frantic Deputy Secretary David J. Hayes shuffling through a clutter of maps on his desk. "Wait, a river's the one that flows toward the ocean, right? Or is that a tributary? Jesus, are rivers and tributaries the same thing?" Until the missing river turns up, DOI officials are advising all citizens to remain vigilant and immediately phone the department's National River Hotline should they encounter any unusual bodies of water.

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