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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Latest Department Of Interior River Count Comes Up One Short

WASHINGTON—Officials at the Department of the Interior scrambled this week when their annual tally of the nation's rivers repeatedly came up one short. "Okay, let's start again—we have the Ohio, and then there's the Mississippi, the Missouri..." said frantic Deputy Secretary David J. Hayes shuffling through a clutter of maps on his desk. "Wait, a river's the one that flows toward the ocean, right? Or is that a tributary? Jesus, are rivers and tributaries the same thing?" Until the missing river turns up, DOI officials are advising all citizens to remain vigilant and immediately phone the department's National River Hotline should they encounter any unusual bodies of water.

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