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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

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IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

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Latest Study Finds Cancer Cells Now Cruelly Mocking Researchers

Scientists say cancer cells like this are just laughing in their goddamned faces.
Scientists say cancer cells like this are just laughing in their goddamned faces.

ROCHESTER, MN—Stating that cancer cells are now “laughing in our fucking faces,” a new Mayo Clinic study with widespread implications for the treatment and potential cure of the disease has found that the malignant growths have begun cruelly mocking researchers. 


The findings—published this week in a rambling, expletive-laden 8,000-word article in The Journal Of The American Medical Association—provides the strongest evidence yet that abnormal cells targeted with cutting-edge cancer treatments are basically flipping off scientists left and right, and get a huge kick out of making oncologists feel like a bunch of bumbling dipshit chumps.

“By mounting comprehensive and systematic attacks on malignancies with emerging technologies such as low-cost genetic sequencing, artificial intelligence, and monoclonal antibody treatments, what we’ve discovered is that cancer cells are little pricks that think they’re the king of the fucking world,” lead author Dr. Charles Sepkowitz said of the study, which found that most leading cancers are pretty goddamn proud of themselves, especially when exasperated oncologists feel like their research is going nowhere. “Our data indicate that while it’s frustrating that cancer cells metastasize so fast, they don’t have to be such huge assholes about it.”

“You can almost hear them cackling at us while they spread to the lymph nodes,” he added.

According to the study, researchers now have a much better sense of the molecular and cellular basis of tumor growth, including the ingrained sense of entitlement that reportedly drives cancer cells to grow irregularly until they become one big fuck-you to scientists.

The report confirmed that while all types of carcinomas are beginning to make researchers feel like garbage, myeloma cancer cells in particular think they’re God’s gift just because they’re resistant to the frontline drug Velcade.

Researchers found that in addition to those toxic cells, basal cell carcinomas also get a “certain sick joy out of smacking researchers around like a bunch of little bitches.”

“Several years ago, when you looked at cancer cells under a microscope, they weren’t such huge jerks,” said Dr. Karen Phillips, an oncologist at Johns Hopkins Medical Center. “But now they are playing with us—taunting us even. For example, one minute, ovarian granulosa cell tumors and other stromal malignancies are being successfully destroyed with a cisplatin and etoposide combination chemotherapy. But the next minute, those shit-eaters are overexpressing the BRCA1 locus protein and triggering the expression of the antiapoptotic protein survivin, thus protecting ovarian cells from cisplatin-induced survivin down-regulation and making them completely chemo-resistant.”

“The bottom line is that cancer wants to do two things now,” she continued. “Spread rampantly throughout the body, and make everyone in the cancer research community feel like complete shit.”

In addition to finding that malignant neoplasms enjoyed mocking scientists by jauntily waving their stupid little flagella around during even the most intense radiation treatments, the study also confirmed that pancreatic cancer is a sick fuck that basically gets off on researcher frustration.

Moreover, abnormally growing cells consistently made the “complete dick move” of producing false-positive signals in exome sequencing, leading researchers to conclude that cancer is a disease defined not by gene mutations or chromosomal aberrations, but by its desire to make cancer specialists question whether or not their life’s work is completely meaningless.

The study, which projected that in 10 years cancer cells would more than likely mutate into even cockier pissants, was not without some bright spots, however.

“The one experiment that didn’t necessarily lead to a breakthrough, but was certainly enlightening, was when we hurled test tubes against the wall and pushed a cryogenic freezer filled with non-Hodgkin lymphoma samples out an eight-story window,” oncologist Dr. Ben Vincent said. “We’re no closer to curing cancer, but that made us feel better for at least a little while.”

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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