adBlockCheck

Latest U.N. Report Shows Raider Nation At Bottom Of Human Development Index Rankings

Top Headlines

Sports

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Latest U.N. Report Shows Raider Nation At Bottom Of Human Development Index Rankings

NEW YORK—According to a new report published Friday by the United Nations Development Programme, Raider Nation has for the fifth straight year held the lowest position in the Human Development Index rankings.

Taking into account such factors as health, education, and poverty, the report stated that the Human Development Index value of Raider Nation is 0.302, far below the global average and indeed at the very bottom of the 187 territories surveyed by the international organization.

“The empirical evidence is definitive in demonstrating what are, unfortunately, very obvious and disturbing issues in this isolated portion of the world,” said UNDP administrator Helen Clark. “As the HDI statistics show, the average adult in Raider Nation has a drastically low number of years of formal education, an incredibly meager income, and a very short life expectancy. And these numbers are only getting worse each year.”

“Frankly, the conditions in Raider Nation are nothing short of disgusting and abhorrent,” Clark continued. “This is not a crisis that will simply resolve itself. The situation requires millions, perhaps even billions of dollars in humanitarian aid so these people can receive the help they so desperately need.”

Clark told reporters that Raider Nation lags hopelessly behind in virtually every major statistical category measured by the Human Development Index, adding that the population is deprived access to even the most basic human needs such as adequate clothing, shelter, food, and sanitation facilities.

“If you compare Raider Nation to a modern first-world metropolis like Denver or San Francisco, for instance, the difference is night and day,” said Clark. “U.N. workers have attempted to provide much-needed assistance to the area, but unfortunately the inhabitants of Raider Nation are incredibly hostile and belligerent toward outsiders.”

“To truly solve the litany of social and economic problems plaguing Raider Nation, the first step is improving their education, which is worse than the likes of Mali, Sierra Leone, and Nigeria,” Clark added. “The 12 percent literacy rate among Raider Nation adults is simply unacceptable.”

According to experts, since its founding in 1960, Raider Nation has experienced a notably tumultuous history. Apart from a brief period in the 1970s and early 1980s, the entire population has reportedly been subjected to decades of hardship, and thousands have witnessed horrific atrocities firsthand on a near-weekly basis.

Additionally, sources confirmed that a significant portion of Raider Nation was displaced amid mass upheavals in 1982 and 1995, leaving millions as helpless refugees.

“This is a place where assault is commonplace, where even the most basic rules of civilized society do not apply,” said Clark, noting that the shockingly high mortality rates in Raider Nation are of especially grave concern. “Many view them as a boorish and barbaric people, and though they have some customs that may seem bizarre to the outside world, the fact remains that they are suffering in total squalor and are incredibly frustrated with their situation. These people just can’t continue with such a dreadfully substandard quality of life.”

“But tragically, the rest of the world has essentially completely ignored them since 2002,” Clark added. “It’s as though they don’t even matter in the slightest.”

Clark told reporters that although Raider Nation’s HDI value has shown some small signs of improvement over the last decade, the population is still rife with skyrocketing rates of unemployment. The area is also reportedly ravaged by gang warfare and high crime rates, as well as unbridled drug and alcohol abuse.

Clark particularly stressed the dire need of humanitarian aid for those in the most downtrodden region of Raider Nation, dubbed by many as “The Black Hole” for its rampant violence and appalling levels of overcrowding.

“Many see The Black Hole as a lost cause, but we cannot give up on them,” Clark said. “While they may be the most economically and educationally disadvantaged in Raider Nation, they’re still human beings.”

“Just look at them,” added Clark, showing reporters photographs of those who occupy The Black Hole. “It’s so sad.”

Reached for comment, leaders of Raider Nation released a statement to reporters reading, “RAIDERS 4 LIFE SUPER BOWL THIS YEAR FUKIN WATCH OUT!”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close