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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Laura Bush Suspects Anniversary Card Penned By Speech Writer

WASHINGTON, DC—Although first lady Laura Bush "very much appreciated" the wedding anniversary card she recently received from President Bush, she said she "harbored suspicions" that its inscription is the work of one of the commander in chief's speechwriters. "Make no mistake, my beloved spouse: This marriage has been an enduring achievement that will continue to make significant strides well into the 21st century," the pastel-colored document read. "As a president and a husband, I pledge to you that I will not cut and run from the greatest wife in the world. I believe marriage is between one man and one woman, and, make no mistake, I would marry you all over again." Mrs. Bush has placed the card on the Roosevelt Library fireplace mantle next to the card her husband sent on her last birthday, which urged renewed cooperation, defined life as beginning at 50, and had puppies on it.

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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

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