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Laura Bush Suspects Anniversary Card Penned By Speech Writer

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

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Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

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Laura Bush Suspects Anniversary Card Penned By Speech Writer

WASHINGTON, DC—Although first lady Laura Bush "very much appreciated" the wedding anniversary card she recently received from President Bush, she said she "harbored suspicions" that its inscription is the work of one of the commander in chief's speechwriters. "Make no mistake, my beloved spouse: This marriage has been an enduring achievement that will continue to make significant strides well into the 21st century," the pastel-colored document read. "As a president and a husband, I pledge to you that I will not cut and run from the greatest wife in the world. I believe marriage is between one man and one woman, and, make no mistake, I would marry you all over again." Mrs. Bush has placed the card on the Roosevelt Library fireplace mantle next to the card her husband sent on her last birthday, which urged renewed cooperation, defined life as beginning at 50, and had puppies on it.

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