adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Lauren Jackson

Women’s Basketball — Australia

Professional Perks: Still has a ton of free tickets to Seattle Storm games if anyone wants them

Part Of The Body Most Focused On During Workouts: Intangibles

Future Aspirations: To be much shorter

Percentage Increase In Black Friends Since Joining WNBA: 10,000

Looks: Might as well tell you what you came here to find out—not bad

NEXT: Aldo Montano

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close