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Lauren Jackson

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Lauren Jackson

Women’s Basketball — Australia

Professional Perks: Still has a ton of free tickets to Seattle Storm games if anyone wants them

Part Of The Body Most Focused On During Workouts: Intangibles

Future Aspirations: To be much shorter

Percentage Increase In Black Friends Since Joining WNBA: 10,000

Looks: Might as well tell you what you came here to find out—not bad

NEXT: Aldo Montano

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