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Law Firm To Purchase One Of Those Big Leather Chairs

DAYTON, OH—In a decision that senior partner Bob Davis called "long overdue," local law firm Davis, Cassini & Snyder confirmed Tuesday its intentions to purchase one of those big leather chairs—the burgundy-colored ones with the gold buttons and the thick, fancy armrests—sometime in the upcoming weeks.

The chair, with the gold buttons and everything.

Despite the prior acquisition of several big wooden legal bookshelves, a half-dozen of those gold-colored desk lamps with the green plastic panels covering the light bulbs, and several portraits of serious-looking lawyers and judges from the 1800s, the office has reportedly lacked a big leather chair since its opening in 2005.

"We are eagerly anticipating the arrival of the chair," junior partner John Cassini told reporters. "As a respectable law firm, the office of Davis, Cassini & Snyder needs an expensive leather chair that doesn't swivel, raise, or lower, but just sits there in the office."

Cassini stated that he couldn't describe the exact name or brand of chair he was referring to, but confirmed that he had sat in a similar chair before. He further insisted that, as a registered member of the bar, he would "definitely know one if [he] saw it," and that a lot of law offices have them.

The decision to purchase the chair, office sources said, came after Bob Davis made a visit to the nearby law firm Berkman & Berkman. Davis reported back to his associates that the rival firm had one of those leather chairs where the material "poofs out" due to the indents in the fabric, thereby creating what Davis referred to as the chair's signature diamond-shaped leather pouches.

"It also had the gold buttons that embroider the armrests," said Davis, who later went on to note Berkman & Berkman's recent courtroom success. "And the [big leather] chair had that claw-foot design on its legs."

"Great chair," he added.

Davis told reporters that, as senior partner, the final decision on the chair would ultimately go through him, but that he planned to delegate the responsibility of locating the chair to the firm's administrative assistant, Kathy Plaitano.

"I told Kathy that if she is having trouble finding exactly what we want, she should watch The Firm or Philadelphia," Davis said. "Those movies definitely have the kind of chairs we're talking about."

According to members of the legal team, even if the chair Plaitano finds fulfills the requirements for both color and seat width, the firm will not, under any circumstance, accept a leather chair that has metal legs, is on wheels, or has a medium-height back.

In addition, the attorneys were adamant that any potential client who sits in the chair should "sink in just a little" so that only the individual's head would be visible if someone was to approach the chair from behind.

"It has to be that kind of chair," Cassini said. "We won't settle for anything less."

Though the attorneys unanimously agreed to purchase the chair, concerns have been raised as to the chair's ultimate location in the office.

"If I know Davis, he'll want to put it in the waiting room next to the fern," Snyder said. "But if it's the kind of chair I'm thinking of, I think we should put it across from my desk to give my clients a nice place to sit during their appointments."

Davis and Cassini refused to respond to Snyder's statement, but when pressed for comment stated that it might be in the law firm's best interest to purchase more than one chair.

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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

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