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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Lawn-And-Garden Tips

For homeowners, few things are more satisfying than a beautiful lawn and garden. Here are some tips to help you improve yours:

Lawn-And-Garden Tips

  • Experiment with different nitrogen-based fertilizers to find the one with the best greening power and highest blast radius.
  • Gang members will often pour malt liquor onto the ground in memory of their dead homies, resulting in soil damage. Shoo gang members away from your front yard.
  • To preserve your place in the highly competitive suburban social hierarchy, make sure your lawn is always 1/8 of an inch shorter than your neighbor's.
  • Do not plant magic beans within 25 feet of your home. Doing so will place it at risk of severe foundation damage.
  • If your lawn doesn't look as green as it could, warn Manuel that you could fire him and hire another one just like him in a second.
  • Mowing a pentagram into your lawn not only looks cool; it will also increase your dark powers.
  • Gardening experts agree that talking to your plants is a great way to exhale carbon dioxide onto them.
  • If you own a riding mower, do you have any idea how stupid you look on it?
  • Under no circumstance should you allow a circus to set up in your backyard.
  • Don't let "the fellas" see you growing a flower garden like a fairy sissy girl. Build an indoor greenhouse instead.
  • Planting vegetables is a great money-saver. Over the course of a summer, you could shave $75 off your grocery bill with just a few hundred hours of work.
  • If your family has been suffering a string of lawn-related injuries, consider installing natural grass.
  • Gardening may take a lot of hard work and patience, but before you know it, you'll find a vegetable humorously shaped liked human genitals.
  • Remember the movie The Lawnmower Man? Me, neither.
  • Make a faustian bargain with shadowy garden gnomes in which you exchange your soul for some really good gardenias.
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    God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

    THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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