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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Lawn-And-Garden Tips

For homeowners, few things are more satisfying than a beautiful lawn and garden. Here are some tips to help you improve yours:

Lawn-And-Garden Tips

  • Experiment with different nitrogen-based fertilizers to find the one with the best greening power and highest blast radius.
  • Gang members will often pour malt liquor onto the ground in memory of their dead homies, resulting in soil damage. Shoo gang members away from your front yard.
  • To preserve your place in the highly competitive suburban social hierarchy, make sure your lawn is always 1/8 of an inch shorter than your neighbor's.
  • Do not plant magic beans within 25 feet of your home. Doing so will place it at risk of severe foundation damage.
  • If your lawn doesn't look as green as it could, warn Manuel that you could fire him and hire another one just like him in a second.
  • Mowing a pentagram into your lawn not only looks cool; it will also increase your dark powers.
  • Gardening experts agree that talking to your plants is a great way to exhale carbon dioxide onto them.
  • If you own a riding mower, do you have any idea how stupid you look on it?
  • Under no circumstance should you allow a circus to set up in your backyard.
  • Don't let "the fellas" see you growing a flower garden like a fairy sissy girl. Build an indoor greenhouse instead.
  • Planting vegetables is a great money-saver. Over the course of a summer, you could shave $75 off your grocery bill with just a few hundred hours of work.
  • If your family has been suffering a string of lawn-related injuries, consider installing natural grass.
  • Gardening may take a lot of hard work and patience, but before you know it, you'll find a vegetable humorously shaped liked human genitals.
  • Remember the movie The Lawnmower Man? Me, neither.
  • Make a faustian bargain with shadowy garden gnomes in which you exchange your soul for some really good gardenias.
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