Lawn-And-Garden Tips

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Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

The Pros And Cons Of Legalizing Prostitution

Several global advocacy groups, including the World Health Organization, Amnesty International, and Human Rights Watch, are calling for the decriminalization of prostitution, but many are fighting to keep the practice illegal, citing the moral, ethical, and practical concerns of condoning the sale of sex. Here are the pros and cons of legalizing prostitution:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Lawn-And-Garden Tips

For homeowners, few things are more satisfying than a beautiful lawn and garden. Here are some tips to help you improve yours:

  • Experiment with different nitrogen-based fertilizers to find the one with the best greening power and highest blast radius.
  • Gang members will often pour malt liquor onto the ground in memory of their dead homies, resulting in soil damage. Shoo gang members away from your front yard.
  • To preserve your place in the highly competitive suburban social hierarchy, make sure your lawn is always 1/8 of an inch shorter than your neighbor's.
  • Do not plant magic beans within 25 feet of your home. Doing so will place it at risk of severe foundation damage.
  • If your lawn doesn't look as green as it could, warn Manuel that you could fire him and hire another one just like him in a second.
  • Mowing a pentagram into your lawn not only looks cool; it will also increase your dark powers.
  • Gardening experts agree that talking to your plants is a great way to exhale carbon dioxide onto them.
  • If you own a riding mower, do you have any idea how stupid you look on it?
  • Under no circumstance should you allow a circus to set up in your backyard.
  • Don't let "the fellas" see you growing a flower garden like a fairy sissy girl. Build an indoor greenhouse instead.
  • Planting vegetables is a great money-saver. Over the course of a summer, you could shave $75 off your grocery bill with just a few hundred hours of work.
  • If your family has been suffering a string of lawn-related injuries, consider installing natural grass.
  • Gardening may take a lot of hard work and patience, but before you know it, you'll find a vegetable humorously shaped liked human genitals.
  • Remember the movie The Lawnmower Man? Me neither.
  • Make a faustian bargain with shadowy garden gnomes in which you exchange your soul for some really good gardenias.