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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Lawrence Taylor Asks Exactly Which 16-Year-Old Prostitute Reporters Are Talking About

NEW YORK—Hall of Fame Giants linebacker Lawrence Taylor responded to allegations that he raped a minor by asking reporters at a press conference Monday to clarify which particular 16-year-old prostitute they were referring to, suggesting they provide her name and at least one physical characteristic. "I'm just not sure if you mean Brandy, Sherry, Susie, Angel, Carla, or Karla with a 'K'," Taylor said. "Is she blonde? That could possibly be Jen, Jennifer, or Andrea. You can't be talking about Candy, Lexie, or Jen, because they'd be at least in their 20s by now, or Sarah, because she's only 14." Taylor admitted that determining the identity of the underage girl would be difficult because most of the 16-year-old prostitutes he knew were dead.

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