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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Lawrence Taylor Asks Exactly Which 16-Year-Old Prostitute Reporters Are Talking About

NEW YORK—Hall of Fame Giants linebacker Lawrence Taylor responded to allegations that he raped a minor by asking reporters at a press conference Monday to clarify which particular 16-year-old prostitute they were referring to, suggesting they provide her name and at least one physical characteristic. "I'm just not sure if you mean Brandy, Sherry, Susie, Angel, Carla, or Karla with a 'K'," Taylor said. "Is she blonde? That could possibly be Jen, Jennifer, or Andrea. You can't be talking about Candy, Lexie, or Jen, because they'd be at least in their 20s by now, or Sarah, because she's only 14." Taylor admitted that determining the identity of the underage girl would be difficult because most of the 16-year-old prostitutes he knew were dead.

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