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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Lawrence The T-1 Connection Guy Hit Of White-Collar Comedy Tour

OFFICE PARK, MD—This year's White Collar Comedy Tour, the comic festival that "dots all the I's while it crosses the business class," is selling out nationwide largely due to the moderately edgy office comedy of "Lawrence The T-1 Connection Guy"—"the thinking man's Dilbert." "I don't care what your level of diversity training is, company policy requires you to file that under 'Humorous,'" Lawrence often quips after one of his many uproarious bits about improper middle-manager–secretarial-assistant relations. "Now, let's 'commit to increased productivity'!" Lawrence, born Emerson Huckins in Miami, OH, is currently working on his first book, tentatively titled You Don't Have To Use This Seven-Step Organizational System Of Effective But Mildly Irreverant Cheese-Movers To Work Here—But It Helps!

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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