adBlockCheck

Local

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
End Of Section
  • More News

Lawyer Friend Makes Strong Case For Nachos

HARTFORD, CT—During a night out for dinner and drinks at Shooters Bar And Restaurant, probate attorney Michael Bradshaw built a strong case in re ordering nachos, Bradshaw's friends reported Tuesday.

Bradshaw (center) discusses issues of cost with two members of his party.

"Mike can be very persuasive when it comes to appetizers," said John Spence, one of eight diners swayed by Bradshaw's closing arguments. "There was a split among the eaters, with four people wanting hot wings and four wanting nachos. In the end, though, Mike convinced us all, beyond a reasonable doubt, that nachos was the appropriate verdict."

Bradshaw based his opening arguments on the prima facie evidence that each diner wanted to eat a substantial amount of food.

"Mike said that if we got hot wings, we'd only get two wings each," Spence said. "Nachos, on the other hand, would allow for a greater number of snacking opportunities for all of us. Also, he said that he could easily convince the waitress to give us a free bowl of salsa."

Hot-wing defenders argued that the wings would come with celery and blue-cheese dressing, but Bradshaw offered a convincing rebuttal.

"Only two or three of us are likely to eat the celery," Bradshaw said. "Not exactly a majority, is it?"

Bradshaw then called on fellow attorney Larry Paulson to determine which appetizer would leave a more damaging mark on a dress shirt. Though he had been a hot-wings supporter, Paulson admitted that the sauce could cause permanent stains.

"I bring this up because we're going to Club 66 later on, to try to get laid," Bradshaw said. "Can we all agree that the likelihood of failure will increase if we arrive with greasy spots on our shirts?"

Further objections were raised by eaters who claimed that nacho stains were more likely to occur than hot-wing stains.

"Yes, but most nacho stains can be removed with soap and water," Bradshaw said. "Hot-wing sauce leaves an incontrovertible red splotch."

Added Bradshaw: "Please suspend the ruling until I'm back. I gotta hit the john."

Upon returning, Bradshaw called amicus curiae Jim Oppel as an expert witness to the deliciousness of Shooters' nachos.

"Guys, the nachos are really great here," Oppel said. "We really should order those."

To further strengthen his case for nachos, Bradshaw cited numerous precedents, including the high price of the chicken fingers, the rubbery texture of the calamari, and a March 2002 incident in which Larry burned his mouth on a jalapeño popper. Bradshaw also cited a recent incident at an Indian restaurant.

"If you'll recall, Ray [Yung] pleaded nolo contendre to the charges of ordering those terrible meat samosas at Raga Palace," Bradshaw said. "Are we going to let him sway the vote again?"

Hot-wings proponents put forward a strong defense against ordering nachos, citing Eric Johnson's aversion to olives.

"We can have the olives on the side, no problem," Bradshaw said. "Case closed. We'll order the nachos."

Several of those present later admitted that they were displeased with the ruling.

"I really wanted hot wings," said Yung, an accountant. "I should've offered to pay for them. It's hard to stand up to Mike—he's a fast-talker who knows how to turn your words against you. How do you argue with someone who uses phrases like 'doctrine of unintended consequences' to say that the onion blossom once gave Jim the runs?"

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings