Lawyer Friend Makes Strong Case For Nachos

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Vol 39 Issue 42

Pope John Paul II: 25 Years Of Laughs

VATICAN CITY—As Pope John Paul II enters his 26th year as pontiff, the world is stopping to reflect on the legendary funnyman's career as one of the most influential performers in modern history. Standing staunchly against contraception and women's equality right through the turn of the 21st century, the pope and his quirky, deadpan comic persona still entertain audiences around the world.

Nursing-Home Residents Mate In Captivity

COLBY, KS—Following six months of failed attempts under intense observation by geriatric scientists, Briarwood Nursing Home residents Horace Klass, 86, and Helen Veukmaan, 83, successfully mated in captivity Monday. "As with most new arrivals to Briarwood, Horace and Helen at first seemed despondent," Briarwood's Dr. William Stander said. "Before long, though, they grew accustomed to their new habitat, and Horace soon felt comfortable enough to approach Helen. Indeed, Horace ultimately proved quite aggressive." Briarwood employees report that, after mating, Klass provided Veukmaan with half a box of windmill cookies.

Area Man Wins Conversation

KING MILLS, OH—A friendly chat about the weather resulted in victory for Daniel Cooper Wednesday, as a brilliant and well-timed rebuttal from the 36-year-old pastry chef devastated his opponent. "Yeah, well, if this is the heaviest rain we've had in years, then I guess I hallucinated my basement flooding last July," Cooper said, deftly parrying his coworker Colin Garrison's challenge. "This rain is nothing." Wordlessly acknowledging Cooper's superiority, Garrison slinked back to the cooler, defeated.

Katie Couric Winces At Word 'Vagina'

NEW YORK—Today host Katie Couric noticeably winced at mention of the word "vagina" during an interview with National Ovarian Cancer Foundation spokeswoman Janette Pruce Monday. "I understand that it's important to raise awareness and promote early detection, which is why I was happy to have [Pruce] on the show," a flustered Couric said after the interview. "I just didn't expect her to come right out and say the 'V' word." An intern on the show said that Couric hadn't appeared that uncomfortable since walking in on one of the Dixie Chicks breastfeeding.

More Than $30 Worth Of Burned CDs Stolen From Residence

ALBUQUERQUE—Police are still not investigating a burglary at the Watson Avenue apartment of George Kinney, who reported the theft of more than 300 CDRs, with an estimated value of $32. "It looks like the bastard dropped down onto my back balcony from the neighbor's roof," Kinney said Monday. "Goddammit. I spent hours burning all those CDs." Kinney was the victim of a similar crime in June 2001, when someone broke into his YMCA locker and stole his Diet Pepsi Twist promotional duffel bag, which contained a copy of USA Today.

U.S. Upset After Aliens Land In Italy

WASHINGTON, DC—White House press secretary Scott McClellan issued a statement Monday expressing disappointment "on behalf of all Americans" that alien envoys from the planet Xygal 8B made their historic first landing in Italy, rather than in the U.S. "We are confused and saddened that the Xygalians chose to take their first steps on Tuscan soil," McClellan said. "We are hopeful that [Xygalian] Cmdr. Gorx will recognize the oversight and relocate to the U.S., which is better equipped to host an intergalactic traveler." McClellan added that the internationally televised handshake between Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi and Gorx "added insult to injury."

I Would Treat The Girl From The Muffler Commercial Right

Oh my God, it's on again. There's the girl I've been telling you about—the one I always see on television. Quiet! This is my favorite part. Just look at her. Isn't she the most beautiful woman you've ever seen? Doesn't she have the nicest voice? I know this in my heart: If I had a chance, I would treat that girl from the muffler commercial right.

Ridiculous Small-Business Plan Encouraged By Friends

MISSOULA, MT—Due in large part to the encouragement of her so-called friends, 34-year-old Karen Sabin quit her steady job to make and sell homemade gourmet dog biscuits out of her home, the former hospital receptionist told reporters Monday.
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Small Business

Lawyer Friend Makes Strong Case For Nachos

HARTFORD, CT—During a night out for dinner and drinks at Shooters Bar And Restaurant, probate attorney Michael Bradshaw built a strong case in re ordering nachos, Bradshaw's friends reported Tuesday.

Bradshaw (center) discusses issues of cost with two members of his party.

"Mike can be very persuasive when it comes to appetizers," said John Spence, one of eight diners swayed by Bradshaw's closing arguments. "There was a split among the eaters, with four people wanting hot wings and four wanting nachos. In the end, though, Mike convinced us all, beyond a reasonable doubt, that nachos was the appropriate verdict."

Bradshaw based his opening arguments on the prima facie evidence that each diner wanted to eat a substantial amount of food.

"Mike said that if we got hot wings, we'd only get two wings each," Spence said. "Nachos, on the other hand, would allow for a greater number of snacking opportunities for all of us. Also, he said that he could easily convince the waitress to give us a free bowl of salsa."

Hot-wing defenders argued that the wings would come with celery and blue-cheese dressing, but Bradshaw offered a convincing rebuttal.

"Only two or three of us are likely to eat the celery," Bradshaw said. "Not exactly a majority, is it?"

Bradshaw then called on fellow attorney Larry Paulson to determine which appetizer would leave a more damaging mark on a dress shirt. Though he had been a hot-wings supporter, Paulson admitted that the sauce could cause permanent stains.

"I bring this up because we're going to Club 66 later on, to try to get laid," Bradshaw said. "Can we all agree that the likelihood of failure will increase if we arrive with greasy spots on our shirts?"

Further objections were raised by eaters who claimed that nacho stains were more likely to occur than hot-wing stains.

"Yes, but most nacho stains can be removed with soap and water," Bradshaw said. "Hot-wing sauce leaves an incontrovertible red splotch."

Added Bradshaw: "Please suspend the ruling until I'm back. I gotta hit the john."

Upon returning, Bradshaw called amicus curiae Jim Oppel as an expert witness to the deliciousness of Shooters' nachos.

"Guys, the nachos are really great here," Oppel said. "We really should order those."

To further strengthen his case for nachos, Bradshaw cited numerous precedents, including the high price of the chicken fingers, the rubbery texture of the calamari, and a March 2002 incident in which Larry burned his mouth on a jalapeño popper. Bradshaw also cited a recent incident at an Indian restaurant.

"If you'll recall, Ray [Yung] pleaded nolo contendre to the charges of ordering those terrible meat samosas at Raga Palace," Bradshaw said. "Are we going to let him sway the vote again?"

Hot-wings proponents put forward a strong defense against ordering nachos, citing Eric Johnson's aversion to olives.

"We can have the olives on the side, no problem," Bradshaw said. "Case closed. We'll order the nachos."

Several of those present later admitted that they were displeased with the ruling.

"I really wanted hot wings," said Yung, an accountant. "I should've offered to pay for them. It's hard to stand up to Mike—he's a fast-talker who knows how to turn your words against you. How do you argue with someone who uses phrases like 'doctrine of unintended consequences' to say that the onion blossom once gave Jim the runs?"

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