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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Lawyer Urged By Mother To Include Younger Brother In Murder Trial

BOSTON—According to family sources, 35-year-old defense attorney Mark Chaote received a call from his mother Thursday asking him to include his younger brother Jeremy, 28, in his next murder trial. “You know, your brother really looks up to you, and it would mean a lot to Jeremy if you just let him sit with you at the [defense counsel’s] table and look through some evidence,” said the concerned mother, adding that it would “make [her] really happy” if Chaote allowed his sibling to grill a few witnesses. “I bet if you asked ahead of time, you could even get him on the jury. If not, it would be nice if you could at least put him on the witness stand for a few minutes so he feels like he’s participating.” Reports confirmed Chaote later received a follow-up e-mail from his mother stating that unless she hears otherwise, she plans to drop Jeremy off at the courthouse early Friday morning.

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