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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Lawyer Urged By Mother To Include Younger Brother In Murder Trial

BOSTON—According to family sources, 35-year-old defense attorney Mark Chaote received a call from his mother Thursday asking him to include his younger brother Jeremy, 28, in his next murder trial. “You know, your brother really looks up to you, and it would mean a lot to Jeremy if you just let him sit with you at the [defense counsel’s] table and look through some evidence,” said the concerned mother, adding that it would “make [her] really happy” if Chaote allowed his sibling to grill a few witnesses. “I bet if you asked ahead of time, you could even get him on the jury. If not, it would be nice if you could at least put him on the witness stand for a few minutes so he feels like he’s participating.” Reports confirmed Chaote later received a follow-up e-mail from his mother stating that unless she hears otherwise, she plans to drop Jeremy off at the courthouse early Friday morning.

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