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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Lawyer Urged By Mother To Include Younger Brother In Murder Trial

BOSTON—According to family sources, 35-year-old defense attorney Mark Chaote received a call from his mother Thursday asking him to include his younger brother Jeremy, 28, in his next murder trial. “You know, your brother really looks up to you, and it would mean a lot to Jeremy if you just let him sit with you at the [defense counsel’s] table and look through some evidence,” said the concerned mother, adding that it would “make [her] really happy” if Chaote allowed his sibling to grill a few witnesses. “I bet if you asked ahead of time, you could even get him on the jury. If not, it would be nice if you could at least put him on the witness stand for a few minutes so he feels like he’s participating.” Reports confirmed Chaote later received a follow-up e-mail from his mother stating that unless she hears otherwise, she plans to drop Jeremy off at the courthouse early Friday morning.

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