Lawyers Opposing Health Care Law Cite Kids-With-Pre-Existing-Conditions-Can-Go-Fuck-Themselves Clause

In This Section

Vol 48 Issue 13

Cupcake Truce

Food 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST Years of devastation come to an end as mediators negotiate a treaty between Melinda Scott of Twinkle Cupcakes and Jessica Hammerman of Sprinkles.

Apartment Returns To Pre-Houseguest Level Of Tension

COLUMBUS, OH—With the Sunday afternoon departure of friends visiting from Chicago for the weekend, the apartment of Gary and Felicia Mylan ceased being a warm, open household and returned to its normal atmosphere of icy resentment.

Media Manipulations, Falsehoods, And The Greater Truth

Recently, the most downloaded episode of This American Life—featuring Mike Daisey's monologue The Agony And The Ecstasy Of Steve Jobs—and a viral video about Africanchild soldiers called Kony 2012 have fallen under fire for failing to prov...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Race Relations

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Lawyers Opposing Health Care Law Cite Kids-With-Pre-Existing-Conditions-Can-Go-Fuck-Themselves Clause

WASHINGTON—As the Supreme Court hears oral arguments today on President Obama's health care reform law, plaintiffs aiming to strike down the legislation are citing the U.S. Constitution's Kids-With-Pre-Existing-Conditions-Can-Go-Fuck-Themselves clause, which decrees that children who suffer from debilitating illnesses prior to acquiring health insurance "should just go straight to hell." "It explicitly states in Article 4, Section 9 that 'children with extant disorders unable to pay exorbitant premium fees can just fucking die for all we care, especially the ones with leukemia.'" attorney Paul D. Clement told the nine jurists during his opening statement. "Thus the current law is on its face unconstitutional. The Founding Fathers clearly wanted to force doctors to turn away youth with acute asthma so the nation's children would turn blue in the face, go into cardiac arrest, and die in their own homes." Legal experts noted that if this argument fails, plaintiffs would undoubtedly cite the 24th Amendment's If-You-Don't-Have-Health-Insurance-Already-You-Must-Be-A-Poor-Fuck-Who-Doesn't-Deserve-It-Anyway provision.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More