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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Lax PetSmart Background Check Allows Deranged Gerbil To Slip Through The Cracks

PHOENIX—Retail chain PetSmart Inc. came under fire this week after a police investigation revealed the company’s loose background-screening process had allowed a deranged gerbil to slip through the cracks and be sold to a Los Angeles family, despite the rodent having reportedly exhibited sociopathic tendencies such as hoarding pellets, maniacally shredding wood chips, and hiding itself away in dark holes. “We wish to extend our deepest apologies to Mr. and Mrs. Richardson and their children, as well as commend them for catching the early warning signs of their pet’s psychosis and turning the animal over to authorities,” PetSmart public relations manager Jeff Davis said of the unhinged gerbil, who according to family members exhibited extensive troubling behavior, often squeaking to itself late into the night and then shitting all over the house. “Though we at PetSmart remain humbled by this unfortunate incident, we would like to assure animal lovers everywhere that thorough background checks are paramount in our screening process, and that we carefully review each animal’s credit history, criminal record, and social media use prior to its sale.” Davis added that the mishap was the first of its kind at the company since 2003, when a store accidentally sold a goldfish with a history of suicidal ideation.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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