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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Lazy Daredevil To Lie Across 12 Couches

LAS VEGAS—In his greatest feat to date, lazy daredevil Pete "The Idler" Nucci will attempt to lie across 12 couches in under an hour this Friday evening. "These ain't your typical namby-pamby little Japanese loveseats," said Col. Chester Llewelyn, Nucci's manager. "No sir. We're talkin' over 72 feet of American-made, La-Z-Boy softness." Nucci's last daring performance—an October attempt to lounge across nine hammocks—was thwarted when he crashed out on the fifth one and couldn't be revived for several tense minutes.

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