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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Lazy Daredevil To Lie Across 12 Couches

LAS VEGAS—In his greatest feat to date, lazy daredevil Pete "The Idler" Nucci will attempt to lie across 12 couches in under an hour this Friday evening. "These ain't your typical namby-pamby little Japanese loveseats," said Col. Chester Llewelyn, Nucci's manager. "No sir. We're talkin' over 72 feet of American-made, La-Z-Boy softness." Nucci's last daring performance—an October attempt to lounge across nine hammocks—was thwarted when he crashed out on the fifth one and couldn't be revived for several tense minutes.

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