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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Lazy ESPN.com Poll Asks Readers If They Like Sports

BRISTOL, CT—Lazy ESPN.com editors posted the poll question "Do you like sports?" on the website's homepage yesterday, offering "yes" or "no" as the only two response options. "We have to do a poll each day, so, yeah, we did a poll on whether people like sports or not," web editor Anthony Whelan said via telephone Monday, adding that his staff had also considered the question "Was Michael Jordan good?" "We try to make the experience on our website interactive for the users and whatever." Whelan denied accusations that ESPN.com was running low on poll ideas and adamantly defended last week's SportsNation question, "How you guys doing?"

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