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Lazy Free Agent Wants To Try Out Over Phone

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Lazy Free Agent Wants To Try Out Over Phone

CHARLOTTE, NC—In an effort to avoid physical exertion, strenuous activity, and standing up, slothful free agent Hollis Thomas told several NFL general managers Friday that he would prefer to try out for their teams over the phone. "I'd really like to go, but I just can't justify waking up super early and packing a bag and catching a flight and stuff," said the defensive tackle, promising during the call to leave everything on the field. "Anyway, you just need to know that I go up the middle pretty hard. And I do some tackling. You can probably find my 40 time if you look around online. If not, I just did a yard in a second or something, so you can just multiply that by 40, I guess." Thomas also said he was willing to perform medical examinations on himself, although as far as he could tell from his couch, everything "seemed fine."

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