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Lazy Free Agent Wants To Try Out Over Phone

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How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Lazy Free Agent Wants To Try Out Over Phone

CHARLOTTE, NC—In an effort to avoid physical exertion, strenuous activity, and standing up, slothful free agent Hollis Thomas told several NFL general managers Friday that he would prefer to try out for their teams over the phone. "I'd really like to go, but I just can't justify waking up super early and packing a bag and catching a flight and stuff," said the defensive tackle, promising during the call to leave everything on the field. "Anyway, you just need to know that I go up the middle pretty hard. And I do some tackling. You can probably find my 40 time if you look around online. If not, I just did a yard in a second or something, so you can just multiply that by 40, I guess." Thomas also said he was willing to perform medical examinations on himself, although as far as he could tell from his couch, everything "seemed fine."

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