Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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‘Leaking Sure Is Cool, Huh, Guys?’ Says Disguised John Kelly To White House Aides

WASHINGTON—Straightening his synthetic wig before casually approaching a nearby lunch table, a disguised Chief of Staff John Kelly reportedly set down his tray, pulled over a chair, and said “Leaking sure is cool, huh, guys?” to a group of White House aides dining in the West Wing commissary Tuesday. “Anybody else just love leaking information to the press, or have any fun leaking stories they want to tell? It’s totally cool if you do; everybody’s doing it,” said Kelly, who then asked the group what their “absolute favorite things to leak” were before taking a bite of his sandwich and intently observing the staffers’ reactions from behind his prop glasses. “I was thinking about getting a group together to hang out and do some leaking this afternoon. How about it? Who’s game for a couple of brewskies and calling the New York Times to share confidential information about the president on condition of anonymity? I’m buying!” As of press time, more than half a dozen newspapers had printed accounts from unnamed White House sources alleging that Kelly was already succumbing to the pressures of overseeing the Trump administration and likely wouldn’t last much longer in his role.

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