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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Learned Sage Points Out That Powerball Not As Much After Taxes

BELLEVUE, WA—Imparting his profound enlightenment and worldly understanding onto all who would heed his words, local billing clerk and learned sage Cameron Wenzel reportedly pointed out Wednesday that the Powerball jackpot is not worth as much after taxes. “They say the jackpot’s $1.5 billion, but you don’t actually get all of that,” the keenly perceptive man of learning informed several coworkers, allowing them to ponder his illuminating pronouncement for several moments before shrewdly explaining that the government “takes a whole lot of it.” “You don’t get even close to that much. If you think you’re getting the whole thing, you’re in for a big surprise.” Sources confirmed that the wise guru then offered those gathered in the office break room one final insightful teaching, saying that were he himself to win, the first thing he would do is hire a tax adviser.

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