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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Learned Sage Points Out That Powerball Not As Much After Taxes

BELLEVUE, WA—Imparting his profound enlightenment and worldly understanding onto all who would heed his words, local billing clerk and learned sage Cameron Wenzel reportedly pointed out Wednesday that the Powerball jackpot is not worth as much after taxes. “They say the jackpot’s $1.5 billion, but you don’t actually get all of that,” the keenly perceptive man of learning informed several coworkers, allowing them to ponder his illuminating pronouncement for several moments before shrewdly explaining that the government “takes a whole lot of it.” “You don’t get even close to that much. If you think you’re getting the whole thing, you’re in for a big surprise.” Sources confirmed that the wise guru then offered those gathered in the office break room one final insightful teaching, saying that were he himself to win, the first thing he would do is hire a tax adviser.

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