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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Learned Sage Points Out That Powerball Not As Much After Taxes

BELLEVUE, WA—Imparting his profound enlightenment and worldly understanding onto all who would heed his words, local billing clerk and learned sage Cameron Wenzel reportedly pointed out Wednesday that the Powerball jackpot is not worth as much after taxes. “They say the jackpot’s $1.5 billion, but you don’t actually get all of that,” the keenly perceptive man of learning informed several coworkers, allowing them to ponder his illuminating pronouncement for several moments before shrewdly explaining that the government “takes a whole lot of it.” “You don’t get even close to that much. If you think you’re getting the whole thing, you’re in for a big surprise.” Sources confirmed that the wise guru then offered those gathered in the office break room one final insightful teaching, saying that were he himself to win, the first thing he would do is hire a tax adviser.

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