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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Leaving Dorm Room Door Open To Play Large Role In Freshman’s Social Strategy

Russet speculates that people will begin by leaning against the open door frame while conversing with him before eventually feeling comfortable enough to step inside his room and solidify their friendship.
Russet speculates that people will begin by leaning against the open door frame while conversing with him before eventually feeling comfortable enough to step inside his room and solidify their friendship.

GREENCASTLE, IN—Anticipating that it will serve as a springboard for the formation of new friendships, DePauw University freshman Andrew Russett said Tuesday that leaving his dorm room door open will be a central component of his social strategy.

Russett, 18, told reporters that a door left casually ajar will be a clear signal to other students on his floor that the room’s occupant is both welcoming and easygoing.

“Everyone’s trying to meet people during the first week of school, and when they see my door open, they’ll probably want to poke their head in and see what’s up,” Russett said, adding that propping the door open about halfway would give people a glimpse of only about half his room, leaving them intrigued enough to find out more. “You have to stand out, and my open door is definitely going to get that done.”

“And even if people don’t introduce themselves right away, as long as they see me through the door a few times, then they’ll remember me as the laid-back guy who keeps his door open when they bump into me in the hallway,” Russett added.

Russett told reporters that he plans to strategically place items such as a mini-basketball hoop and an Xbox One with four controllers in view of the open portion of the door as a means of subtly conveying the room’s fun atmosphere. To further communicate the idea that the room belongs to a cool person who might make a good friend, Russett said he will hang eye-catching posters for films The Big Lebowski and Wet Hot American Summer in such a way that they can easily be seen through the open door and noted that he will also turn his speakers toward the door so that passersby can better hear his music, primarily “regular rock songs and hip-hop stuff everyone likes.”

Additionally, Russett said he intends to affix a small whiteboard to the outside of his door with the words “Casa de Andrew” written on it with a dry-erase marker.

“Obviously, I’m going to be meeting people in a lot of ways, but the door is crucial,” Russett said, adding that he was likely to prop the door open with a flip-flop to further emphasize his relaxed nature. “I won’t get invited to any parties if my door’s closed. And if enough people stop by my room, it may become kind of the hangout place on the floor. Then I might not even have to have my door open at all for people to come around.”

“But I’m gonna stick with the open door for a while,” Russett quickly added.

At press time, Russett’s strategy was apparently paying off, as sources confirmed that his RA had stopped by and encouraged him to come out of his room.

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