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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Leaving Dorm Room Door Open To Play Large Role In Freshman’s Social Strategy

Russet speculates that people will begin by leaning against the open door frame while conversing with him before eventually feeling comfortable enough to step inside his room and solidify their friendship.
Russet speculates that people will begin by leaning against the open door frame while conversing with him before eventually feeling comfortable enough to step inside his room and solidify their friendship.

GREENCASTLE, IN—Anticipating that it will serve as a springboard for the formation of new friendships, DePauw University freshman Andrew Russett said Tuesday that leaving his dorm room door open will be a central component of his social strategy.

Russett, 18, told reporters that a door left casually ajar will be a clear signal to other students on his floor that the room’s occupant is both welcoming and easygoing.

“Everyone’s trying to meet people during the first week of school, and when they see my door open, they’ll probably want to poke their head in and see what’s up,” Russett said, adding that propping the door open about halfway would give people a glimpse of only about half his room, leaving them intrigued enough to find out more. “You have to stand out, and my open door is definitely going to get that done.”

“And even if people don’t introduce themselves right away, as long as they see me through the door a few times, then they’ll remember me as the laid-back guy who keeps his door open when they bump into me in the hallway,” Russett added.

Russett told reporters that he plans to strategically place items such as a mini-basketball hoop and an Xbox One with four controllers in view of the open portion of the door as a means of subtly conveying the room’s fun atmosphere. To further communicate the idea that the room belongs to a cool person who might make a good friend, Russett said he will hang eye-catching posters for films The Big Lebowski and Wet Hot American Summer in such a way that they can easily be seen through the open door and noted that he will also turn his speakers toward the door so that passersby can better hear his music, primarily “regular rock songs and hip-hop stuff everyone likes.”

Additionally, Russett said he intends to affix a small whiteboard to the outside of his door with the words “Casa de Andrew” written on it with a dry-erase marker.

“Obviously, I’m going to be meeting people in a lot of ways, but the door is crucial,” Russett said, adding that he was likely to prop the door open with a flip-flop to further emphasize his relaxed nature. “I won’t get invited to any parties if my door’s closed. And if enough people stop by my room, it may become kind of the hangout place on the floor. Then I might not even have to have my door open at all for people to come around.”

“But I’m gonna stick with the open door for a while,” Russett quickly added.

At press time, Russett’s strategy was apparently paying off, as sources confirmed that his RA had stopped by and encouraged him to come out of his room.

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