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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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LeBron James - Already An NBA Champion Of Friendship

Professional Basketball Player

The biggest name in sports in 2010 was basketball phenomenon LeBron James, who proved what an amazing friend he is this summer by leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers to join his best buddies and fellow All-Stars Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh in South Beach. And, while the sports world may be obsessed with how many championships the high-powered Heat can win, it is abundantly clear that, no matter what happens, 25-year-old LeBron James is already an all-time NBA Champion of Friendship.

After all, LeBron James knows that having good friends and keeping close ties—being a Most Valuable Pal, if you will—is the most important thing of all. Which is why, out of every franchise in the NBA, he chose the one team that would give him the best chance of winning a lifetime of memories: the Miami Heat. Even though his new team is packed with superstar-level talent, is managed by five-time NBA champion Pat Riley, has every ingredient needed to win on an unprecedented scale for the next decade, and is located in a glamorous market with no income tax, that all comes second for LeBron James, who already has the greatest prize of all: amigos. Super amigos. Better amigos, even, than those he had in Cleveland, the city he once promised and then failed to deliver a championship to.

Whether this Miami Heat team wins big or buckles under the weight of enormous expectations—just as LeBron James has every year of his career thus far—it will hardly matter to the NBA's all-time leader in hugs and being-a-super-awesome-bud. Because for LeBron James, it isn't about the rings. It's about slam-dunking a great hang-out session and boxing out the bad times with the two greatest friends and Olympic-level talents that an elite, once-in-a-generation athlete desperately in need of postseason validation could ask for.

So let's hear it for LeBron James—and let's hear it for friendship!

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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