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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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LeBron James Amazed At 21-Year-Old's Ability To Stay Up All Night Studying For Physics Exam

CLEVELAND—21-year-old LeBron James, who skipped college to make millions of dollars in the National Basketball Association, was amazed to find out that someone his very own age, Case Western Reserve University junior Michael Washington, had the ability to stay up all night studying for a physics exam, which he later aced. "This kid's natural study skills are unbelievable," said James, who learned later that Washington is the youngest person in his family to attend college. "What he can do in the academic arena at his age is something that I could only dream of." James was equally impressed with Washington's ability to live in his 12-foot-by-19-foot dorm room, saying that he couldn't even imagine living like that at this point in his life.

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