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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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LeBron James Celebrates Basket History Month

CLEVELAND—Cavaliers forward LeBron James held a press conference Tuesday to announce that he had begun his annual observance of Basket History Month, urging others to honor the significant contributions baskets have made in their own commemorative way. "Unfortunately, many people today, especially young people, don't realize that if it wasn't for all of the pioneer baskets that came before us, we wouldn't even have the sport of basketball today," James told reporters, suggesting that Americans can learn more about the achievements of baskets by visiting their local library. "The ball gets an awful lot of credit, but without the basket we celebrate all February, there would be no place put the ball." James added that when he was not celebrating the accomplishments of baskets, he would hold numerous moments of silence during this month's games to honor the sacrifices made by baskets that have gone before and to keep their memory alive.

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