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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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LeBron James Considering Quitting Basketball, Joining Cast Of SNL

NEW YORK—Following a recent game in New York, Cleveland Cavaliers forward and league MVP LeBron James confessed his desire to quit basketball and pursue a career as a cast member of Saturday Night Live. "As a kid, I was just so inspired by unbelievable performances from guys like Chris Kattan and Cheri Oteri," said James as he went into a diatribe on what makes Mango "as classic as The Festrunk Brothers," the Steve Martin and Dan Akroyd routine better known as "Two Wild and Crazy Guys." "When I hosted earlier this season, I could see the current Weekend Update team of Seth [Myers] and Amy [Poehler] could definitely use some help, and the least I could do is punch it up with a few characters and commentaries I've been working on. Plus, they need someone to play Obama." James later admitted that during away games to Chicago, he has been one of dozens of athletes secretly taking improvisation and sketch-writing classes at The Second City.

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